Favorite Things Friday: Swimming pools

With the official start of summer fast approaching Tweet Pee has been busy conducting an official survey of his local recreation spots to find out where in his neighborhood he'll be able to spell r-e-l-i-e-f when the weather gets unbearably hot. In this case "relief" has a double meaning. There's nothing Tweet Pee loves to do in the summer time than to slowly inch himself into this Friday's Favorite Thing...a swimming pool.

Yes, swimming pools provide a welcome respite from the unbearable lightness and hotness of the center of our solar system better known as "Big Fire Thing," but while the rest of our body can't wait to feel the cooling, soothing touch of aquatic velvet, sometimes our junk begs to differ. Only when Tweet Pee and countless others fight off the fear of genitalia submersion can he truly be free to enjoy swimming pools.

While cooling off is all well and good, another benefit of the swimming pool is that its really the only place, with the exception of the ocean and other natural bodies of water, where one can urinate in public with others looking on. While the ocean is a great big receptacle for all sorts of waste, whether it be toxic or just natural anemone urine (a.k.a the peach nectar of the sea); the swimming pool is a placid man-made body of water that not only fulfills your sick fetish for sneakily having your friends bathe in your own waste, but it is also devoid of sharks that bite and sneaky parasites that can swim up your pee-hole and ruin the rest of your life.

So if you're looking to spread some sprinkle this summer, better not pick a place where you'll be in danger of risking life and your fifth limb. Head on over to a swimming pool and warm it up a few degrees with your pees.

The Most Pee-ceful Place On Earth

Greetings Com-pee-triots! I, Tweet Pee, would like to sincerely apologize for my lengthy hiatus from this here blog and from my tweeting pee-sponsiblities. I hope no one is too pissed off to accept me back into their hearts and restrooms.

You might think my absence from the Internet was for purely selfish reasons and maybe it was, but I fear that I had lost my connection to the natural act of urination. It had become solely a means to the end that was this largely unsuccessful web venture instead of just one of my natural processes. I needed a clear mind, a pure heart, and a recently emptied bladder if I was going to go back to square one and rediscover the inner taker of number ones within.

While most folks are just content to just do the "master cleanse" and start anew, Tweet Pee sought sanctuary in the wilderness and water closets of the Far East. After months of holding it in at the behest of some of the sagest bathroom attendants in all of the land, Tweet Pee finally came to achieve total and utter inner peace when he reached the most pee-ceful place on earth, a.k.a. the restroom of a Healthland Spa in Bangkok, Thailand.


The serene accompaniment of soothing music mixed in with the sound of flowing water and the sight of plant life flourishing, left Tweet Pee filled with the joie de vivre one feels when one has a suitable epiphany. At the site of those standing porcelain gods, Tweet Pee let the river flow as if it had been dammed up for a thousand years. That true feeling of relief was a rebirth for both Tweet Pee and this blog.

So it is with great pride and a renewed vigor that Tweet Pee relaunches "The Life and Streams of Tweet Pee" in the hopes you will follow along and show reverence to this most basic of bodily functions. Stay tuned for a virtual babbling brook of bloggery.

Pee Politics: Pee The People!

As a red-blooded, yellow-urined American, Tweet Pee is well aware there are some Americans that are worth showering with golden bodily fluid and some that you wouldn't even give the time of day even if it were with an alarm-clock that squirted pee in your eye to wake you up rather than blasting your favorite Spanish-language radio station at 6 in the morning.

Looks like some members of the government are on the very same page. Rep. Pete Stark (D-California) made it more than apparent that one particular pissed off individual in particular was not worthy of being pissed on by his elected-ness.




After being berated by a crotchety old member of the government-provided health care opposition, who just so happened to end his diatribe by asking the Congressmen to not to pee on his leg and tell him it's raining, Stark alerted the old man that perhaps he best check his depends or look for cumulo-nimbus clouds, because the old man and his misinformed rhetoric didn't deserve the dignity usually reserved for esteemed urine receptacles. Or if you want the layman's version: He layed the smack down.


Now Tweet Pee doesn't usually condone not wanting to pee on elderly folk, but since Urine is a renewable source of water we do realize like Rep. Stark, that letting it go to waste on some poor old man who has absolutely no idea what he is talking about isn't really worthwhile, especially when it can be used as drinking water on the space station.

Outpeed and Out-Tweeted

Tweet Pee likes to think of himself as the most prolific tweeter/peer/waster of time in the Tweeting universe, but since taking a lengthy hiatus and frankly tiring of the twittersphere, a new device just might out-doo him.

The folks over at Toronto's Hacklab have hatched a plan and subsequently rigged a device to let you know just when they're done doing their duty at their home base of bowel movements and golden rain.

While they might not necessarily out-pee the Tweet Pee, they've certainly got the upper hand on reporting it. Kudos to them and their obvious wealth of laptop equipment. I hope they get a toilet paper sponsor out of this. Ok, I'm going to go drink a lot of fluids and whizz to my heart's content.

Via Gizmodo

It's So Easy Peeing Green

Tweet Pee wanted to wish you all a Happy St. Patrick's Day. Drink plenty of green beer. If it turns your flow into a Green River...send a picture sans junk to TweetPee@gmail.com and he'll display it on the site. You won't win anything just Tweet Pee's eternal respect. Who knows though, one day when this site is huge, maybe Tweet Pee's eternal respect will be worth something.

A word to the wise though...If you just so happen to pee green without the aid of food coloring you may have a urinary tract infection and Tweet Pee suggests that you go see a doctor.

Favorite Things Friday: Ice Cube Trays

Tweet Pee has never strayed from a little mischief. There was that time in grade school when he set his school on fire and that other time in pre-school when he set his teacher on fire. Tweet Pee really got into it in those early days. As Tweet Pee grew older though his high jinks transformed from pranks dealing with his disdain for authority into shenanigans that made other people look stupid but made him laugh heartily. With his tomfoolery trending in such a direction, Tweet Pee discovered the magic of his favorite thing this Friday, The Ice Cube Tray.

The Ice Cube Tray just so happens to be the crucial component in the trick that Tweet Pee happens to enjoy pulling out at parties most frequently. Often times while attending a bash at a house other than his own, Tweet Pee will snag the tray from the freezer and make his way to the bathroom. Seeing as he is a master of fleet footedness and covert operations, rarely does he ever have a problem sneaking the yellow hued ice-to-be into the freezer. The result is shock and eww as partygoers soon realize (or don't until someone sends an email about it) just what is that cool stink in their fresh drink. And it was all made possible by the magic of Ice Cube Trays...Tweet Pee's favorite thing for this Friday.

Oh, The Places I Go: Coyote Ugly

Tweet Pee has had a busy week hitting the town and attempting to dye it's water supply yellow. You'll have to excuse him for lagging behind on his updates. The first stop on this weeks' Tour De Flow was a bar so popular, they sort of made a movie about it. At least they used the name of the bar as the movie title. That movie and that bar of course are known as Coyote Ugly.

It wasn't long after downing a few Pabst Blue Brews that Tweet Pee found himself sauntering off to the little big boys room. It was just like he had last remembered it. It was dirty, wet, and wreaked of urine. He skipped the urinal on account that it seemed as though there were pools of mixed urine inside and splashback could be lethal if not deadly, instead opting for the somewhat more sanitary bowl.

While Tweet Pee has no idea what sort of germs may have adhered themselves to the bottom of his shoes, he felt much more relieved after having stepped out of the bathroom than having stepped in.

Oh The Places I Go: Tea Lounge

When Tweet Pee woke up this morning, the first thing he did was turn on his computer to get started on work for the day. Actually, the first thing he did was turn off his pleasant alarm ring tone and then he opened up his computer to start work for the day.

Unfortunately, there was something amiss with the Internet connection in Tweet Pee's place of residence. This forced him to take his business elsewhere, that elsewhere was the Tea Loune on Union Street Between 6th and 7th avenue in Park Slope. The music was loud, but not as invasive as it normally is there and there were also fewer unsupervised children, making for a relatively pleasant stay. In the midst of two steaming cups of Jasmine Green Tea, Tweet Pee saw fit to use the facilities within his temporary office.

The room itself was dim, smelly, and cold with a brick facade. Though it was not terribly unclean. Tweet Pee doesn't know who was in their before him but they did a good job stinking up the joint. That being said, he still wound up putting his sunshine stream through their indoor plumbing. The relief Tweet Pee felt allowed him to thoughtlessly work away for the next several hours making for a relatively productive afternoon.

Fridays Favorite Things: Fire Hoses

Tweet Pee is constantly attempting to rescue people from burning buildings. However, he does not do this by running inside flame-riddled domiciles in hopes of finding any living, breathing thing to carry out over his shoulders. Tweet Pee merely races to the site of said inferno -once the Fire Chief projects the instantly recognizable Tweet Pee symbol- in the hopes of arriving before the local engine ladder company, so that he may begin urinating on the edifice in question.

Tweet Pee tries to douse the flames with his whiz, but often withdraws at the onset of any uncomfortable warmth in his pecker region. Luckily, by the time this dangerous heat begins to be felt, the local fire precinct has most likely arrived leaving Tweet Pee to zip up and withdraw at the behest of the real heroes, the men who so bravely wield the Fire Hoses...Tweet Pee's favorite thing this Friday.

The deploying of a fire hose is more or less a scale recreation of an urgent six hour delay between trips to drain the weasel. While the force from a fire hose can knock a man off of his feet, often times a long spell without urination can cause a man to use a wall in order to brace himself for the process of bladder emptying. Sure a long delayed-piss can't put out a large scale building fire, but it can certainly put a damper on a blaze lit by camping enthusiasts.

However, with the existence of fire hoses, Tweet Pee has little reason to risk life and "limb" by participating in the act of dousing dangerous blazes. And any invention that insures Tweet Pee's member will remain a valuable and useful member of society has to be one of Tweet Pee's Favorite Things.

Pee-lice Blotter: Don't Do The Dew

While the Indian public are gearing up to enjoy their cow piss sodie pop, not everyone in the world is eager to voluntarily imbibe carbonated beverages containing blasts of bladder juice. That, however, did not stop two students at Connecticut's Hartford Union High School from serving up scandalous sipping samples containing natural leakage to two trusting and thirsty pupils at one of the school's recent basketball games.

After carrying out the repugnant practical joke the offending parties sent out an email notifying the student body just who weased the juice. Unfortunately, that email ended up in the inbox of an administrator and the two students were then arrested.

Sadly, that's where the flow of information ends. Tweet Pee is currently unaware if the two offending parties are Chinese or if they told a joke before carrying out the prank. If we find out more, we'll let you know.

Oh The Places I Go: Two For Tuesday

Life's been a little busy for Tweet Pee as of late. He's been slacking in his mission to show you some of the finest Pee spots in all of NYC. The past few days saw two new entrants into the Urinal Hall of Fame.

The first place Tweet Pee spelled relief on Saturday evening was at Brownstone Billiards/Oceans 8 on Flatbush Ave. in Park Slope. The bathroom had two urinals, including one on the short side. Though I didn't have to get on my tippy toes for the tall one, being a not-so-tall person himself Tweet Pee showed solidarity with his below average height brethren and whizzed it up at the low set latrine.

It wasn't until Monday when Tweet Pee took in the Best Picture-winning Slumdog Millionaire at the Pavilion Theater off of Prospect Park that he found himself at yet another unfamiliar urinal. There were three of those and two stalls that he found upon entry and seeing as the door to the Men's room did not close very well, Tweet Pee found himself shuffling through the narrow space to the second urinal so that his best friend (seeing as he doesn't have a dog) could not be seen by bathroom passers by. It was a tight fit, but Tweet Pee and his Pee Pee passed with flying colors before taking in the excellent film.

Sorry to leave all of my eager readers hanging. We know you've been thirsty for more Tweet Pee news and there's not enough toilet water to tide you over. It won't happen again.

Favorite Things Friday: Water Guns

Long ago Tweet Pee vowed that it was time to put away childish things. Fortunately, when he put them away he stored them in a bin labeled "childish things' just in case he felt like picking them back up again. If you visited that storage area right now you'd be able to find at least four different incarnations of today's topic for Friday's Favorite things, The Water Gun.

Yes, not only is a water gun the perfect toy to excite children about the prospect of potentially going to war when they get older, but unleashing that deadly flow from a super soaker bears an uncanny resemblance to the sort of action one gets after being stuck on three hour car ride and finally making it to the bathroom to drain one's bladder. The pump action release turns a plastic toy into a howitzer, much like your pee-pee awaiting a long delayed whiz.

The results are more or less frozen ropes of liquid that can tag a target at 20 yards. Both are weapons of mass soak action. Though after long car rides Tweet Pee does not recommend trying to hit a moving human target with your bladder stream. You'll probably get your ass kicked. Stick to the bowl/urinal...and for simulating the urgent flow, stick to the water gun, Tweet Pee's favorite thing for this Friday.

Oh, The Places I Go: Personal Residence- Ft. Greene

Tweet Pee likes to go out on the town, but when he does it's not always at a place where an unlimited amount of civilians get to water some toilet seeds. Some times he visits friends and sometimes he empties his bladder into their bowls. Tonight was one such occasion as Tweet Pee attended a lovely dinner at a friend's house in Fort Greene.

The house in question was the rarest of animals in that it was a two bedroom, two bathroom affair. It's not often you get that sort of bedroom to bathroom ratio in New York City, but there Tweet Pee was. Luckily, Tweet Pee drank enough to have to utilize both of the johns. And wouldn't you know it, photos were snapped of both.

Oh, The Places I Go: Chip Shop & Union Hall

Tweet Pee had quite an eventful night as he had the pick of litter of Brooklyn establishments to lay down his leaky law.

The first stop was the Chip Shop where Tweet Pee had the pleasure of partaking of a frosty brew and a deep fried Mars bar before letting loose as a photo of the Queen herself looked on.

With arteries newly clogged and bladder freshly drained, Tweet Pee pressed on to Union Hall where he enjoyed a drink with some wonderful company and eventually had to unleash some fluid on the classy bar's lavatory.

All in all it was an accomplished evening, the kind that people who document their own urinary processes dream about...or at least think about as they're enjoying their night out.

Pee News:Urine Japan, Urine-trading, Urine Jail

Tweet Pee wouldn't mind making a little money off of his Urine-related musings, but he would never physically extract that of others for a little loot on the side.

He's got better things to do like use his stopwatch to time every time he takes a whiz and scour the world wide web for pop culture pee moments. He more or less just doesn't have the time or the inclination to engage in such matters of the stream.

The same cannot be said for a man in Japan (Tweet Pee likes how that rhymes) who was nabbed by Japanese cops (are there any other kind there?) for distributing leaflets roadside to female high school students, alerting them of his intent to purchase their pee.

At the time of his arrest, the #1 enthusiast for feminine flow (see what we did there?) was carrying a conical flask and a Tupperware box to store their secretions. The leak freak told police that he got the idea when he heard a conversation between two high school girls that went as follows:

“How do you make extra money?”

“I’m selling my urine, it goes for a high price.”

And with that he was inspired. According to the previously alluded to leaflet, he was buying both bodily fluids and underwear, amongst other things, with prices ranging from ¥2,000~¥4,000. Tweet Pee isn't sure how much that is, but it's probably more than it should be, unless those teens were drinking Goldschlager with those little gold flakes.

The sick solicitor was charged with violating youth protection laws and if Tweet Pee had any grasp of the Japanese justice system, he might be able to tell you what kind of pee-nalty said offender was facing, but he can't.

Pee News: Urine Therapy, Urine Bolivia

If anyone is looking for evidence that Pee is much better for you when it's leaving your body than it is going in, Tweet Pee has the definitive proof. This past Saturday in La Paz Bolivia a woman, 35-year-old Gabriela Ascarrunz, was killed after being injected with a dose of urine. The act wasn't carried out by some heinous archvillain aimed at randomly poisoning the bloodstreams of unsuspecting victims. Word is Señora Orina De Mal (Mrs. Bad Urine, the obvious name of such a Spanish speaking supervillain) was busy hatching some other evil plan to flood the bathrooms in the Bolivian Capitol Building.

The murderous culprit was none other than Bolivian Fashion designer and Urine Therapy enthusiast, Monica Schultz. Apparently Schultz graduated from the school of Medicine that hangs out in bathrooms and asks unsuspecting users of the facilities, "are you really gonna flush that?"

According to her specific brand of alternative medicine, pee can be used for cosmetic purposes and to treat various diseases, by either rubbing on your skin, injecting it, or drinking it. While Tweet Pee's all for getting the most flow for our Euro, the idea of injecting our body's waste back into our bloodstream, just doesn't sound so smart.

Tweet Pee's Tune For Tuesday: J. Geils Band "Piss On The Wall"

Tweet Pee listened to a lot of music growing up. Even though many a song blessed these ears with memorable lyrics and a catchy hook, there was but one in particular that influenced my love of implementing the golden flow on an area where it was not intended. That track was not Garbage's "Only Happy When It Rains" nor was it Coldplay's "Yellow". Those songs, while being absolutely lovely in their own right, came along too late in my musical education to be of any substantial impact in where I lay my stream to rest.
My parents had I believe ordered the J. Geils Band album, Freeze Frame from the Columbia House catalog sometime around 1981. While I absolutely adored songs one and three ("Freeze-Frame" and "Centerfold", respectively), it was the very last track that gave me my marching orders. On several occasions, with Peter Wolf's voice in my head commanding me, I unleashed my baby-snake and/or button and did his bidding as the words "Piss On The Wall," echoed through my synapses causing me to unleash a flood of urine onto the right hand wall of our family's ornate, flowery-wallpapered bathroom.

While I'd like to say I don't hear Mr. Wolf's voice ordering me around anymore, sometimes I have to go so bad with no bathroom in sight that the wall is the nearest refuge. So in honor of my undying affection for the J. Geils Band. Here's a bit of a blast from the Tweet Pee past:

3 Pee No-Nos

I like to pee. I think that's been established, but there are three things about peeing that really gets my anger flowing. I like to call them the 3 Pee No-Nos.

So without further ado, here they are:

1. Splashback- There's nothing worse than letting loose in a urinal only to have some of your liquid waste splash back and hit your skin. It makes you feel dirty in a bad way.

2. Peeing into other people's pee- I hate when other people leave their pee in the bowl as if not flushing it will save water. I'm going to flush your pee before I pee into it, because the thought of getting splashed back with a mixture of more than my own pee is horrifying.

3. Peeing on the seat- If you're going to pee, you must agree; it's best to do so with the seat up. If your aim is so bad that you cannot conduct your business in the middle of the bowl there's no harm in admitting your inability to hit the bullseye. It's not like anyone's watching you or you need to get one right in the middle. No one expects you to be Phil "The Power" Taylor. To make your pee complete, just lift up that seat.

Urine (You're In) The Movies: Dirty Work

Tweet Pee's Big Game Tips: Super Bowl Sunday

Remember, if you're going to be eating wings and draining your wang over the bowl, you should definitely wash your hands before doing the latter. Hot sauce on sensitive skin can often be a recipe for disaster. You don't want to have to suddenly leave during the fourth quarter of a tight game due to a burning sensation that doesn't involve wanting to see the Cardinals win their first Super Bowl.

Alright, enjoy the game and check in later for our official MVPee.
P.S. You can do whatever you want with Bleu Cheese, we don't really care.