Oh, The Places I Go: Hugs

Tweet Pee enjoys frequenting delightful places. Sometimes said places have delightful names as well. This is the case with Hugs, located on North 6th St. in the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn. While Tweet Pee certainly would not characterize the toilet area of Hugs as similarly delightful, meaning he would offer it a full body embrace, it wasn't half bad if a little cramped. The toilet basin (if that's what it's called) also had an indecipherable message written inside of it. Actually, it was probably decipherable, Tweet Pee just didn't feel like taking the time by sticking his head in the bowl to get a closer look. This should sound perfectly reasonable to you.

Urine The Movies: Austin Powers International Man of Mystery

Urine The Movies: Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

Favorite Things Friday: Water Guns

Long ago Tweet Pee vowed that it was time to put away childish things. Fortunately, when he put them away he stored them in a bin labeled "childish things' just in case he felt like picking them back up again. If you visited that storage area right now you'd be able to find at least four different incarnations of today's topic for Friday's Favorite things, The Water Gun.

Yes, not only is a water gun the perfect toy to excite children about the prospect of potentially going to war when they get older, but unleashing that deadly flow from a super soaker bears an uncanny resemblance to the sort of action one gets after being stuck on three hour car ride and finally making it to the bathroom to drain one's bladder. The pump action release turns a plastic toy into a howitzer, much like your pee-pee awaiting a long delayed whiz.

The results are more or less frozen ropes of liquid that can tag a target at 20 yards. Both are weapons of mass soak action. Though after long car rides Tweet Pee does not recommend trying to hit a moving human target with your bladder stream. You'll probably get your ass kicked. Stick to the bowl/urinal...and for simulating the urgent flow, stick to the water gun, Tweet Pee's favorite thing for this Friday.

Today In History: Ozzy Remembers To Go On The Alamo

Everybody has to "go" some time. Though it's certainly more interesting when super famous people do it and get in trouble for it; then it goes right down in the annals of pee history. One such historic event took place twenty-seven years ago today, when the Ozzy Osbourne (a.k.a. The Blizzard of Oz, a.k.a guy who used to bite the heads off of flying animals) breezed into to San Antonio, Texas and tinkled on it's most famous landmark.

No, the Ozzman didn't goeth on famed San Antonio native Tommy Lee Jones or the Spurs various NBA championship trophies, instead he chose to relieve himself on the building that supposedly housed Pee-Wee Herman's bike. If you haven't figured out what we're getting at...Ozzy took a whiz on The Alamo!

As the story goes, just after 11am on the morning of February 19th, 1982, the drunken Prince of Darkness himself (wearing his soon-to-be wife Sharon's dress), moseyed on over and let loose on the historic site where Santa Anna and his Mexican Army of 2,000 strong defeated the military forces of Texas back in 1836, in the most famous battle of The Texas Revolution.

The heavy metal icon was taken into police custody and he never drank again or peed again. The end. Actually that's not true. Ozzy was promptly banned from setting foot in San Antonio for the next decade. All's well that ends well though, when Ozzy finally returned he donated $10,000 to the landmark he desecrated with his bodily fluids. What a guy!

If Urine Israel, Urine For A Political Fight

Israeli Politics isn't one of the topics on which Tweet Pee enjoys pontificating, mostly because he does not have a breadth of knowledge on the subject. All he knows is that there was an election recently and that they still haven't figured out who will be their next Prime Minister.

As a late comer to the carnival that is the race to control the Knesset, the only real fact that Tweet Pee has learned is that one party alone in this campaign stood up for the people's right to not get urinated on by a man on a diving board. That party was Brit Olam, or the "For Our Children Party."



Brit Olam's campaign commercial urged voters not to "let them pee on us anymore" and Tweet Pee is assuming that this message rang out loud and clear, proving wildly successful unless the majority of the Israelis are indeed fetishists or their urine tastes like Formula Pee. We're not sure who Brit Olam's lead candidate was, but we're sure he'll enjoy a fruitful run as Israeli Prime Minister should he keep his penchant for delivering poolside golden showers in his pants.

Urine For A Treat

There were many wonderful candy choices for Tweet Pee growing up. Fun Dip, Nerds, and of course yellow life savers were always heavy on the mind of his sweet tooth. All of those tasty treats came in distinctly different packages, but each one seemed to make sense for the deliciousness they dispensed. Life savers came in a roll, Fun dip in the packet with the stick, and Nerds had the two seperate chambers filled with crunchy, candy goodness.

Common sense seemed to reign supreme in the commercial design world when it came to containing precious bits of sugar-coated goodness, but still something wasn't right. The Royal we couldn't help but feel that there was still room for improvement. It wasn't until today that Tweet Pee realized exactly what was missing in the confectionery cosmos.


Luckily, someone figured out the great packaging mystery that has plagued the Sweets Universe for all this time. Who knows, if it weren't for the folks at Nifty Candy we, as a society, might have never figured out that we should be enjoying sour liquid candy with tangy lemon flavor from an actual urine specimen jar. Praise the lord, Tweet Pee has seen the light.


The golden liquid is not the only option being offered as part of their line of Medicinal Candy. Also available in the former pee pods are colorful and yummy kidney stones, cure-all candy pills, and the overtly therapeutic "Sour Spanks Jelly Beans."

If enjoying a stream sample in a jar is not your thing, then urine luck. You can have your pick of bodily fluids litter and enjoy samples of saccharine-heavy saliva, honeyed hemoglobin, and of course, even more candied pee as part of the company's "Crime Scene Candy." Mmm...Mmmm...maybe.



Via Nerd Approved

Tweet Pee's Lyrical Flow: Public Enemy

"I urinated on the state, while I was kickin' this song."

Chuck D of Public Enemy- "By The Time I Get To Arizona"
from the Album Apocalypse 91...The Enemy Strikes Black

Urine The Movies: Cheech & Chong's Next Movie

Oh, The Places I Go: Personal Residence- Ft. Greene

Tweet Pee likes to go out on the town, but when he does it's not always at a place where an unlimited amount of civilians get to water some toilet seeds. Some times he visits friends and sometimes he empties his bladder into their bowls. Tonight was one such occasion as Tweet Pee attended a lovely dinner at a friend's house in Fort Greene.

The house in question was the rarest of animals in that it was a two bedroom, two bathroom affair. It's not often you get that sort of bedroom to bathroom ratio in New York City, but there Tweet Pee was. Luckily, Tweet Pee drank enough to have to utilize both of the johns. And wouldn't you know it, photos were snapped of both.

Favorite Things Friday: Indoor Plumbing

Happy Friday everyone. As you well know, or should know by now since you've been following Tweet Pee for so long, Friday is the day where we take a look at some of our favorite things. We don't give them away like Oprah does, but that doesn't matter because most of those things are already in your possession or can be easily bought in your local grocery store.

Our favorite thing for this Friday is kind of obvious. Without it we wouldn't have a pot to piss in. Actually we would, but it would be just that, a pot. Yes, our favorite thing this Friday is none other than INDOOR PLUMBING. Without the miracle of indoor plumbing we'd all be taking whizzes out the window and soaking unsuspecting and subsequently angry passers by. Or we would have some sort of receptacle in our rooms where whenever we got the urge to splurge, one would just go in it and leave it be until the stench got so bad they tossed it out the window, soaking an unsuspecting passer by.

Even worse, without this true mark of civilization we might have to use outhouses in the dead of winter, or just use a certain wall in our homes that we designate the waste wall. Either way, it would be very unsanitary. So civilized people of the world, thank your lucky stars for indoor plumbing. Tweet Pee does every day. It's one of his favorite things.

Oh, The Places I Go: Chip Shop & Union Hall

Tweet Pee had quite an eventful night as he had the pick of litter of Brooklyn establishments to lay down his leaky law.

The first stop was the Chip Shop where Tweet Pee had the pleasure of partaking of a frosty brew and a deep fried Mars bar before letting loose as a photo of the Queen herself looked on.

With arteries newly clogged and bladder freshly drained, Tweet Pee pressed on to Union Hall where he enjoyed a drink with some wonderful company and eventually had to unleash some fluid on the classy bar's lavatory.

All in all it was an accomplished evening, the kind that people who document their own urinary processes dream about...or at least think about as they're enjoying their night out.

Oh, The Places I Go: Brooklyn Social

Tonight Tweet Pee wandered into the dimly lit confines of Brooklyn Social in Carroll Gardens for a few drinks, which ultimately led to him taking a few sprinks.

While Tweet Pee was able to keep a steady flow his hand was a little shaky when holding the camera. The result is a couple of semi-blurry photos of the most recent streaming site which did not allow for smoking in the boys room.

Pee News: India Takes The Piss Out of Cows

Thanks to former Yankee Broadcaster Phil Rizzuto's frequent shouts of "Holy Cow" (and his subsequent invitations to The Money Store) Tweet Pee has long known that the Cow is a sacred animal in India. The nation's Hindu population revere their bovine benefactor so much that slaughtering anything that goes Moo (unless it's one of those string-pulling toys) is illegal, giving them the distinct disadvantage of never having sampled a succulent sirloin. Just because much of the population has never chowed on some ground chuck or bit into a Brisket, doesn't mean that they'll never experience the pleasure of golden showering themselves with the flavor of faith.

As it turns out, not all of the Cow is considered "off-limits". The Cow Protection Department of the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS), India's biggest and oldest Hindu nationalist group, has begun to brew up an apparently palatable new beverage made from Cow Urine. Allow Tweet Pee to be the first one to say, "mmm...mmm." Oh, wait a second, we meant, "yech!"

Despite our current misgivings about the release of "gau jal"(Sanskrit), or "cow water"; Om Prakash, the head of the C.P.D.R.S.S. assures the public that the drink will not smell like cow pee and will be quite flavorful. Tweet Pee will believe it when we taste it. In the meantime, Tweet Pee would also like to declare that at present the title of "Worst Job In The World" goes to the taste testers of "gau jal".

Pee News: Urine Therapy, Urine Bolivia

If anyone is looking for evidence that Pee is much better for you when it's leaving your body than it is going in, Tweet Pee has the definitive proof. This past Saturday in La Paz Bolivia a woman, 35-year-old Gabriela Ascarrunz, was killed after being injected with a dose of urine. The act wasn't carried out by some heinous archvillain aimed at randomly poisoning the bloodstreams of unsuspecting victims. Word is Señora Orina De Mal (Mrs. Bad Urine, the obvious name of such a Spanish speaking supervillain) was busy hatching some other evil plan to flood the bathrooms in the Bolivian Capitol Building.

The murderous culprit was none other than Bolivian Fashion designer and Urine Therapy enthusiast, Monica Schultz. Apparently Schultz graduated from the school of Medicine that hangs out in bathrooms and asks unsuspecting users of the facilities, "are you really gonna flush that?"

According to her specific brand of alternative medicine, pee can be used for cosmetic purposes and to treat various diseases, by either rubbing on your skin, injecting it, or drinking it. While Tweet Pee's all for getting the most flow for our Euro, the idea of injecting our body's waste back into our bloodstream, just doesn't sound so smart.

Monday Movie Madness: Naked Gun

Oh, The Places I Go: The House

People used to tell NBA All-Star Center Shaquille O'Neal to take it to the house when they wanted to see a big play. Or maybe it was "to the hole" either way, I did my best Shaq impression today by taking one at The House, a semi-swank restaurant in Manhattan's Gramercy neighborhood. I didn't stand up at the table, unzip my pants and unleash a frozen rope straight at the floor. I had the common decency to let it flow in the bathroom for I am not a barbarian. This is that bathroom.

Oh, The Places I Go: Rope

Tonight Tweet Pee headed out into the Fort Greene section of Brooklyn to take on the biggest and baddest of places that one might relieve oneself. Actually, Tweet Pee was just out for a good time and wasn't trying to take on anything. He merely wanted to have some drinks and relieve himself when he deemed it necessary, which ended up being a stout four times.

Indeed, there was some alcohol drank and a few lavatories were delved into. The chosen site for the evening's entertainment was Rope. Rope's bathroom had apparently once played host to the "Piss King" as evidenced by the grafitti on the wall, but was still a haven for those with both urinary needs and general pride in one's surroundings. All in all the acts of urination and drinking were met with mutually exclusive satisfaction, and the evening was a glaring success.

Urine The News...A-Rod!

Don't look at us like that, Alex Rodriguez. You've been a bad boy. You and your urine wouldn't be in the news if you were as pure and innocent as that pee-drinking grin suggests. Though, we suppose that we sorta got the hint when you started fiddling with Madonna's pentagenarian genitalia while still married to your lovely wife.

Fresh on the heels of the shocking news that current holder of the home run crown, Barry Bonds tested pee-ositive for performance enhancing substances in 2003, it was revealed to CNNSI by four different sources that the Yankee Señor at Third's (then with the Rangers) urine wasn't only rich in that post-asparagus smell, but also in testosterone and Anabolic Steroids.

With the aid of the juice, Rodriguez was able to knock 47 dingers into the stands and capture the leagues MVPee while playing for the lowly Rangers in 2003. A-Rod's own juice wasn't the only thing tainted by his use of gym candy. His potential to piss all over Barry Bonds legacy by inevitably breaking the career home run mark once held by the pristinely prodigious Hank Aaron, has been somewhat dashed. If he one day breaks the record, questions about the validity of his stats will linger like those final drops in the pee stream before we shake them into the bowl.

Que sera sera.

Oh, The Places I Go: Holiday Cocktail Lounge

Tonight Tweet Pee wandered into the Holiday Cocktail Lounge for a few brews. Unfortunately the Men's room was out of order, so the Ladies area was the only option on the docket.
While I was a little hesitant to be seen wandering into an area designated for the opposite sex, everything worked out just fine. The ladies room was not only perfectly adaptable to the needs of the unfairer sex, but it was also much cleaner than most mens rooms in bars of this caliber, which is to say total dives. Even though it was mostly men lined up to partake in the provided facilities, it seems as though the cleanliness intimidated most of the male clientele into treating the lavatory as though it were an institution of the holy...proving once again that cleanliness is next to godliness.