Urine The Movies: Austin Powers International Man of Mystery

Favorite Things Friday: Snow

With temperatures temporarily up after this past week's wintry weather, spring is fast approaching. It seems that there will be precious few, if any, opportunity for Tweet Pee to further indulge in the joys of his favorite thing this Friday...SNOW. Snow is much more than a Canadian Reggae artist from the 1990's, it's also a wonderful medium for writing one's own name when lacking a pen and paper or flag to mark your territory should you be trying to at the moment claim an icy expanse for self or country.

Not all surfaces are ideal for this practice as peeing on grass or dirt is usually absorbed in a way that fails to tell people who you are or what you've done there. Peeing on snow really allows your true colors to shine and for that it is this Friday's Favorite thing. Now if only we could get one more layer of fresh powder before March fades out like a lamb.

Fridays Favorite Things: Fire Hoses

Tweet Pee is constantly attempting to rescue people from burning buildings. However, he does not do this by running inside flame-riddled domiciles in hopes of finding any living, breathing thing to carry out over his shoulders. Tweet Pee merely races to the site of said inferno -once the Fire Chief projects the instantly recognizable Tweet Pee symbol- in the hopes of arriving before the local engine ladder company, so that he may begin urinating on the edifice in question.

Tweet Pee tries to douse the flames with his whiz, but often withdraws at the onset of any uncomfortable warmth in his pecker region. Luckily, by the time this dangerous heat begins to be felt, the local fire precinct has most likely arrived leaving Tweet Pee to zip up and withdraw at the behest of the real heroes, the men who so bravely wield the Fire Hoses...Tweet Pee's favorite thing this Friday.

The deploying of a fire hose is more or less a scale recreation of an urgent six hour delay between trips to drain the weasel. While the force from a fire hose can knock a man off of his feet, often times a long spell without urination can cause a man to use a wall in order to brace himself for the process of bladder emptying. Sure a long delayed-piss can't put out a large scale building fire, but it can certainly put a damper on a blaze lit by camping enthusiasts.

However, with the existence of fire hoses, Tweet Pee has little reason to risk life and "limb" by participating in the act of dousing dangerous blazes. And any invention that insures Tweet Pee's member will remain a valuable and useful member of society has to be one of Tweet Pee's Favorite Things.

Pee-lice Blotter: Don't Do The Dew

While the Indian public are gearing up to enjoy their cow piss sodie pop, not everyone in the world is eager to voluntarily imbibe carbonated beverages containing blasts of bladder juice. That, however, did not stop two students at Connecticut's Hartford Union High School from serving up scandalous sipping samples containing natural leakage to two trusting and thirsty pupils at one of the school's recent basketball games.

After carrying out the repugnant practical joke the offending parties sent out an email notifying the student body just who weased the juice. Unfortunately, that email ended up in the inbox of an administrator and the two students were then arrested.

Sadly, that's where the flow of information ends. Tweet Pee is currently unaware if the two offending parties are Chinese or if they told a joke before carrying out the prank. If we find out more, we'll let you know.

Urine The Movies: Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

Favorite Things Friday: Water Guns

Long ago Tweet Pee vowed that it was time to put away childish things. Fortunately, when he put them away he stored them in a bin labeled "childish things' just in case he felt like picking them back up again. If you visited that storage area right now you'd be able to find at least four different incarnations of today's topic for Friday's Favorite things, The Water Gun.

Yes, not only is a water gun the perfect toy to excite children about the prospect of potentially going to war when they get older, but unleashing that deadly flow from a super soaker bears an uncanny resemblance to the sort of action one gets after being stuck on three hour car ride and finally making it to the bathroom to drain one's bladder. The pump action release turns a plastic toy into a howitzer, much like your pee-pee awaiting a long delayed whiz.

The results are more or less frozen ropes of liquid that can tag a target at 20 yards. Both are weapons of mass soak action. Though after long car rides Tweet Pee does not recommend trying to hit a moving human target with your bladder stream. You'll probably get your ass kicked. Stick to the bowl/urinal...and for simulating the urgent flow, stick to the water gun, Tweet Pee's favorite thing for this Friday.

Today In History: Ozzy Remembers To Go On The Alamo

Everybody has to "go" some time. Though it's certainly more interesting when super famous people do it and get in trouble for it; then it goes right down in the annals of pee history. One such historic event took place twenty-seven years ago today, when the Ozzy Osbourne (a.k.a. The Blizzard of Oz, a.k.a guy who used to bite the heads off of flying animals) breezed into to San Antonio, Texas and tinkled on it's most famous landmark.

No, the Ozzman didn't goeth on famed San Antonio native Tommy Lee Jones or the Spurs various NBA championship trophies, instead he chose to relieve himself on the building that supposedly housed Pee-Wee Herman's bike. If you haven't figured out what we're getting at...Ozzy took a whiz on The Alamo!

As the story goes, just after 11am on the morning of February 19th, 1982, the drunken Prince of Darkness himself (wearing his soon-to-be wife Sharon's dress), moseyed on over and let loose on the historic site where Santa Anna and his Mexican Army of 2,000 strong defeated the military forces of Texas back in 1836, in the most famous battle of The Texas Revolution.

The heavy metal icon was taken into police custody and he never drank again or peed again. The end. Actually that's not true. Ozzy was promptly banned from setting foot in San Antonio for the next decade. All's well that ends well though, when Ozzy finally returned he donated $10,000 to the landmark he desecrated with his bodily fluids. What a guy!

If Urine Israel, Urine For A Political Fight

Israeli Politics isn't one of the topics on which Tweet Pee enjoys pontificating, mostly because he does not have a breadth of knowledge on the subject. All he knows is that there was an election recently and that they still haven't figured out who will be their next Prime Minister.

As a late comer to the carnival that is the race to control the Knesset, the only real fact that Tweet Pee has learned is that one party alone in this campaign stood up for the people's right to not get urinated on by a man on a diving board. That party was Brit Olam, or the "For Our Children Party."



Brit Olam's campaign commercial urged voters not to "let them pee on us anymore" and Tweet Pee is assuming that this message rang out loud and clear, proving wildly successful unless the majority of the Israelis are indeed fetishists or their urine tastes like Formula Pee. We're not sure who Brit Olam's lead candidate was, but we're sure he'll enjoy a fruitful run as Israeli Prime Minister should he keep his penchant for delivering poolside golden showers in his pants.

Tweet Pee's Lyrical Flow: Public Enemy

"I urinated on the state, while I was kickin' this song."

Chuck D of Public Enemy- "By The Time I Get To Arizona"
from the Album Apocalypse 91...The Enemy Strikes Black

Oh, The Places I Go: Sthree for Saturday

Tweet Pee is pretty sure that based on all of the places he has been up to this point, you'd more or less be able to triangulate his position in the New York City area. In attempts to throw you off the scent, Tweet Pee decided to diversify his target destinations this fine evening. Originally, he had the full intention of declaring that indeed "Ich ein ein stockbesoffen" but instead of ending up at a German beer bar on the lower east side, he ended up at three regular bars spread out both downtown and in Brooklyn.

Tweet Pee's first alcoholic outing occurred at the Spring Lounge at 48 Spring St and Mulberry. Tweet Pee was immediately alarmed as he closed the door on this water closet, as he realized that there was no lock on the door. One person walked in on him, but the angle was not good enough for a show to take place, so the incident was followed by calm.

Following the shared incident Tweet Pee made his way to the West Village for a little bit of dinner action. Along with a solid few seconds of stream, Tweet Pee enjoyed several slices of Za at John's Pizzeria to fill his fat belly.

The evening was no bust though as Tweet Pee kept the party rollin'. His final place of pee-tronage was back in his home borough of Brooklyn. Tweet Pee found stream satisfaction at Commonwealth in Park Slope...as he thought o himself, what a wonderful world.

Oh, The Places I Go: Personal Residence- Ft. Greene

Tweet Pee likes to go out on the town, but when he does it's not always at a place where an unlimited amount of civilians get to water some toilet seeds. Some times he visits friends and sometimes he empties his bladder into their bowls. Tonight was one such occasion as Tweet Pee attended a lovely dinner at a friend's house in Fort Greene.

The house in question was the rarest of animals in that it was a two bedroom, two bathroom affair. It's not often you get that sort of bedroom to bathroom ratio in New York City, but there Tweet Pee was. Luckily, Tweet Pee drank enough to have to utilize both of the johns. And wouldn't you know it, photos were snapped of both.

Favorite Things Friday: Indoor Plumbing

Happy Friday everyone. As you well know, or should know by now since you've been following Tweet Pee for so long, Friday is the day where we take a look at some of our favorite things. We don't give them away like Oprah does, but that doesn't matter because most of those things are already in your possession or can be easily bought in your local grocery store.

Our favorite thing for this Friday is kind of obvious. Without it we wouldn't have a pot to piss in. Actually we would, but it would be just that, a pot. Yes, our favorite thing this Friday is none other than INDOOR PLUMBING. Without the miracle of indoor plumbing we'd all be taking whizzes out the window and soaking unsuspecting and subsequently angry passers by. Or we would have some sort of receptacle in our rooms where whenever we got the urge to splurge, one would just go in it and leave it be until the stench got so bad they tossed it out the window, soaking an unsuspecting passer by.

Even worse, without this true mark of civilization we might have to use outhouses in the dead of winter, or just use a certain wall in our homes that we designate the waste wall. Either way, it would be very unsanitary. So civilized people of the world, thank your lucky stars for indoor plumbing. Tweet Pee does every day. It's one of his favorite things.

Oh, The Places I Go: Chip Shop & Union Hall

Tweet Pee had quite an eventful night as he had the pick of litter of Brooklyn establishments to lay down his leaky law.

The first stop was the Chip Shop where Tweet Pee had the pleasure of partaking of a frosty brew and a deep fried Mars bar before letting loose as a photo of the Queen herself looked on.

With arteries newly clogged and bladder freshly drained, Tweet Pee pressed on to Union Hall where he enjoyed a drink with some wonderful company and eventually had to unleash some fluid on the classy bar's lavatory.

All in all it was an accomplished evening, the kind that people who document their own urinary processes dream about...or at least think about as they're enjoying their night out.

Pee News:Urine Japan, Urine-trading, Urine Jail

Tweet Pee wouldn't mind making a little money off of his Urine-related musings, but he would never physically extract that of others for a little loot on the side.

He's got better things to do like use his stopwatch to time every time he takes a whiz and scour the world wide web for pop culture pee moments. He more or less just doesn't have the time or the inclination to engage in such matters of the stream.

The same cannot be said for a man in Japan (Tweet Pee likes how that rhymes) who was nabbed by Japanese cops (are there any other kind there?) for distributing leaflets roadside to female high school students, alerting them of his intent to purchase their pee.

At the time of his arrest, the #1 enthusiast for feminine flow (see what we did there?) was carrying a conical flask and a Tupperware box to store their secretions. The leak freak told police that he got the idea when he heard a conversation between two high school girls that went as follows:

“How do you make extra money?”

“I’m selling my urine, it goes for a high price.”

And with that he was inspired. According to the previously alluded to leaflet, he was buying both bodily fluids and underwear, amongst other things, with prices ranging from ¥2,000~¥4,000. Tweet Pee isn't sure how much that is, but it's probably more than it should be, unless those teens were drinking Goldschlager with those little gold flakes.

The sick solicitor was charged with violating youth protection laws and if Tweet Pee had any grasp of the Japanese justice system, he might be able to tell you what kind of pee-nalty said offender was facing, but he can't.

Tweet Pee's Tune For Tuesday: J. Geils Band "Piss On The Wall"

Tweet Pee listened to a lot of music growing up. Even though many a song blessed these ears with memorable lyrics and a catchy hook, there was but one in particular that influenced my love of implementing the golden flow on an area where it was not intended. That track was not Garbage's "Only Happy When It Rains" nor was it Coldplay's "Yellow". Those songs, while being absolutely lovely in their own right, came along too late in my musical education to be of any substantial impact in where I lay my stream to rest.
My parents had I believe ordered the J. Geils Band album, Freeze Frame from the Columbia House catalog sometime around 1981. While I absolutely adored songs one and three ("Freeze-Frame" and "Centerfold", respectively), it was the very last track that gave me my marching orders. On several occasions, with Peter Wolf's voice in my head commanding me, I unleashed my baby-snake and/or button and did his bidding as the words "Piss On The Wall," echoed through my synapses causing me to unleash a flood of urine onto the right hand wall of our family's ornate, flowery-wallpapered bathroom.

While I'd like to say I don't hear Mr. Wolf's voice ordering me around anymore, sometimes I have to go so bad with no bathroom in sight that the wall is the nearest refuge. So in honor of my undying affection for the J. Geils Band. Here's a bit of a blast from the Tweet Pee past: