Pee News: Mouth to Pee Theater

Tweet Pee isn't really the type who goes outside his comfort zone when it comes to letting it flow like a river. He doesn't unleash the pelvic watergun for reasons of fetishistic delight either. Tweet Pee fancies urinals, toilets, back alleys and the great outdoors when it comes to painting the town yellow.

That's not to say he doesn't get kick out of the occasional odd urinal. Lord knows he's seen a few in his day, but none that he'd say were capable of making a controversial splash, lest you were referring to an unpleasant ricochet off a urinal containing god knows how many other people's urine.

However, some patrons of Hamilton, Ontario's The Honest Lawyer eatery aren't as open-minded as ol' Tweet Pee. Seems they've got the holes in their boxer-briefs all buttoned up over a few silly tinkle receptacles shaped like those Twizzler lips from way back when.

Now, nobody seemed so pissed off when those things were biting up phallic licorice sticks in the 80's, but relieve yourself in one and all of the sudden we've got a full-fledged hullabaloo on our hopefully dry hands.

The stream catchers inspired an anti-lip loo campaign that gained stream when 1,100 fans of boring ol' urinals, including the city's mayor and Ontario's NDP (whatever that means), used the archaic method of letter-writing to let their uptight verbal diarrhea spew forth from their fountain pens, arguing that people peeing in these urinals was offensive to women.

Tweet Pee would like to say, "stop thinking so hard!" Not only was this assumption that every man just going to take a pee was intentionally defiling women an ignorant exercise in trying to see the worst; it's predicated on the supposition that most men actually care where his bladder may blast.

Beyond a laugh and a smirk at the creative use of urinal space, whether you give a man a trough, a mouth or plain ol' porcelain; he'll only see one thing– a bulls-eye.

Favorite Things Friday: Swimming pools

With the official start of summer fast approaching Tweet Pee has been busy conducting an official survey of his local recreation spots to find out where in his neighborhood he'll be able to spell r-e-l-i-e-f when the weather gets unbearably hot. In this case "relief" has a double meaning. There's nothing Tweet Pee loves to do in the summer time than to slowly inch himself into this Friday's Favorite Thing...a swimming pool.

Yes, swimming pools provide a welcome respite from the unbearable lightness and hotness of the center of our solar system better known as "Big Fire Thing," but while the rest of our body can't wait to feel the cooling, soothing touch of aquatic velvet, sometimes our junk begs to differ. Only when Tweet Pee and countless others fight off the fear of genitalia submersion can he truly be free to enjoy swimming pools.

While cooling off is all well and good, another benefit of the swimming pool is that its really the only place, with the exception of the ocean and other natural bodies of water, where one can urinate in public with others looking on. While the ocean is a great big receptacle for all sorts of waste, whether it be toxic or just natural anemone urine (a.k.a the peach nectar of the sea); the swimming pool is a placid man-made body of water that not only fulfills your sick fetish for sneakily having your friends bathe in your own waste, but it is also devoid of sharks that bite and sneaky parasites that can swim up your pee-hole and ruin the rest of your life.

So if you're looking to spread some sprinkle this summer, better not pick a place where you'll be in danger of risking life and your fifth limb. Head on over to a swimming pool and warm it up a few degrees with your pees.

Outpeed and Out-Tweeted

Tweet Pee likes to think of himself as the most prolific tweeter/peer/waster of time in the Tweeting universe, but since taking a lengthy hiatus and frankly tiring of the twittersphere, a new device just might out-doo him.

The folks over at Toronto's Hacklab have hatched a plan and subsequently rigged a device to let you know just when they're done doing their duty at their home base of bowel movements and golden rain.

While they might not necessarily out-pee the Tweet Pee, they've certainly got the upper hand on reporting it. Kudos to them and their obvious wealth of laptop equipment. I hope they get a toilet paper sponsor out of this. Ok, I'm going to go drink a lot of fluids and whizz to my heart's content.

Via Gizmodo

Urine The Movies: Billy Madison

Tweet Pee apologizes for the poor movie quzlity, it's all he could find on youtube.

Favorite Things Friday: Ice Cube Trays

Tweet Pee has never strayed from a little mischief. There was that time in grade school when he set his school on fire and that other time in pre-school when he set his teacher on fire. Tweet Pee really got into it in those early days. As Tweet Pee grew older though his high jinks transformed from pranks dealing with his disdain for authority into shenanigans that made other people look stupid but made him laugh heartily. With his tomfoolery trending in such a direction, Tweet Pee discovered the magic of his favorite thing this Friday, The Ice Cube Tray.

The Ice Cube Tray just so happens to be the crucial component in the trick that Tweet Pee happens to enjoy pulling out at parties most frequently. Often times while attending a bash at a house other than his own, Tweet Pee will snag the tray from the freezer and make his way to the bathroom. Seeing as he is a master of fleet footedness and covert operations, rarely does he ever have a problem sneaking the yellow hued ice-to-be into the freezer. The result is shock and eww as partygoers soon realize (or don't until someone sends an email about it) just what is that cool stink in their fresh drink. And it was all made possible by the magic of Ice Cube Trays...Tweet Pee's favorite thing for this Friday.

Celibri-pee Gossip: Since You've Been Goin'...In The Shower

It's none too often that Tweet Pee finds his somewhat puerile mind delving into the shower habits of the stars, but every once in awhile he likes to imagine Kelly Clarkson's dynamite singing voice cutting through the mist of a steam filled wash room with the words to "Since You've Been Gone" melodically blaring through the surrounding rooms.

In Tweet Pee's vision he never saw beyond the curtains, because, let's face it, a star's business is their own business. Unfortunately, the TMI gods at OK! Magazine (via Blender) had to go and sully the pristine image of the only American Idol winner to do something with her life by reporting that lil "Miss Independent" doesn't only like to sing in the shower, but that she's also too lazy to make it to the commode at times and often lets #1 loose in the place where she lathers and rinses.

Tweet Pee is now conflicted over his admiration over the music star. On one hand, he'll always love her voice, but on the other hand he would never use her shower.

Soccer Stars: They're Just Like Us

Just like Tweet Pee, International Soccer Stars get annoyed when they're asked to give daily urine samples to scientists who try to then use the pee portion to discover ways to improve their on-pitch performance. Who knew? If Tweet Pee had a dollar for every time he was irked by some nerdy scientist at the Carrington training ground angling a cup in the bushes to catch his piss, he'd be one rich blogger, which means he'd have two things in common with Cristiano Ronaldo and Wayne Rooney, who just so happen to be the peeved players in question.

Tweet Pee feels your pain guys. You don't need your pee analyzed to improve your play and neither does Tweet Pee. SOLIDARITY!

Oh, The Places I Go: Merc Bar

Tweet Pee is all class, so much so that every once in awhile he'll find himself in a classy establishment such as Merc Bar in the Soho region of Manhattan York City. It was quite the occasion when he finally strolled into the restroom at this classy joint. Tweet Pee was slightly shocked to find that such upscale institution of higher partying did not employ a washroom attendant, but hey, times are tough and supposed cutbacks make it slightly less awkward for Tweet Pee to take photos of his place of business. With less company on hand Tweet Pee gladly took a much needed whizz or two all over the urinal of his choice, which just so happened to be the only urinal in the joint. Despite the slim pickins, Tweet Pee experienced no difficulty in dispensing his number 1 favorite bodily fluid at the proper site for doing so in this environment aimed at the affluend, where the cheapest beer option cost a reasonable (cough) $8.

Urine The Movies: Austin Powers International Man of Mystery

Favorite Things Friday: Snow

With temperatures temporarily up after this past week's wintry weather, spring is fast approaching. It seems that there will be precious few, if any, opportunity for Tweet Pee to further indulge in the joys of his favorite thing this Friday...SNOW. Snow is much more than a Canadian Reggae artist from the 1990's, it's also a wonderful medium for writing one's own name when lacking a pen and paper or flag to mark your territory should you be trying to at the moment claim an icy expanse for self or country.

Not all surfaces are ideal for this practice as peeing on grass or dirt is usually absorbed in a way that fails to tell people who you are or what you've done there. Peeing on snow really allows your true colors to shine and for that it is this Friday's Favorite thing. Now if only we could get one more layer of fresh powder before March fades out like a lamb.

Oh The Places I Go: Bar 1020

Tweet Pee is always on the "go". Well, not always, that could get messy. Last night Tweet Pee went pretty far north to the Morningside Heights section of Manhattan for a date with a lady at Bar 1020. The establishment was thick with intellectual Columbia University types speaking regurgitating the day's lectures casually over beer, but Tweet Pee only had two things on his mind...the member of the fairer sex in front of him and the john. While the jury's still out on whether the date when swimmingly, there was no doubt that the trip to the bathroom was a success.
Upon entering the restroom Tweet Pee had 2 choices (3 if you count the sink) of urine receptacle. One was a urinal which would have caused his junk to be in plain view seeing as there was no working lock on the door and a toilet at which he could clearly shield himself from anyone playing pool outside who might be hankering for a peak. Seeing as Tweet Pee is a tad self conscious, he went with the latter choice.

When all was said and done Tweet Pee had drank a few beers, tinkled twice and went his separate ways with the friendly lady. Prior to hopping in the subway he had a huge slice of pizza that seemed to be double the size of his face, but only went for $3.25. What a bargain.

Celibri-pee Gossip: Brad Pitt Loomed Over At London Loo

Tweet Pee has a riddle for you. What's tall, famous and can't seem to "go" in peace? If you guessed Dolph Lundgren in the 1990 film I Come In Peace, you'd be wrong. The answer is none other than international film sensation, the masculine half of the most famous couple in the world and Kickapoo High School's favorite grad, Brad Pitt.

Apparently Benjamin Button himself was recently at a pub in the Soho section of London, when the Oscar-nominated actor got up to take a leak in the loo. (Stars, they're just like us!) Unfortunately, on his way to the W.C. , the adoptive father of Angelina Jolie's matronly ambitions found himself swarmed by six awe-ful fans who proceeded to shuffle after him as he made his way to paint the town's water supply yellow.

Tweet Pee isn't sure what the moral of this story is. Maybe it's that if you become famous, you should always be equipped with a catheter to avoid awkward bathroom moments on the town or maybe it's that the act of urination is only remotely interesting when celebrities do it...or on try #3 it could be that privacy should always be extended as a common courtesy whenever someone no matter who is relieving oneself. Tweet Pee is sticking with that last one.

So remember readers, even if you see someone as famous as Scott Baio heading into a urinal, do not follow them. Pee Time is "Me Time" and certainly not your time.

3 Pee No-Nos

I like to pee. I think that's been established, but there are three things about peeing that really gets my anger flowing. I like to call them the 3 Pee No-Nos.

So without further ado, here they are:

1. Splashback- There's nothing worse than letting loose in a urinal only to have some of your liquid waste splash back and hit your skin. It makes you feel dirty in a bad way.

2. Peeing into other people's pee- I hate when other people leave their pee in the bowl as if not flushing it will save water. I'm going to flush your pee before I pee into it, because the thought of getting splashed back with a mixture of more than my own pee is horrifying.

3. Peeing on the seat- If you're going to pee, you must agree; it's best to do so with the seat up. If your aim is so bad that you cannot conduct your business in the middle of the bowl there's no harm in admitting your inability to hit the bullseye. It's not like anyone's watching you or you need to get one right in the middle. No one expects you to be Phil "The Power" Taylor. To make your pee complete, just lift up that seat.

Favorite Things Friday: Asparagus

It's Friday, Tweet Pee's favorite day of the week. In accordance with this cause for celebration, today brings the inception of Favorite Things Friday. Every Friday from here on out, Tweet Pee will declare one of his favorite things. It's sort of like that annual Oprah episode without all of the audience freebies. So what kind of things will be included in these weekly installments? Raindrops on roses? Whiskers on kittens? Sure those things are great, but neither of them make me think of pee. So what's on the menu this Friday? Sorry, I didn't mean to use the word menu in association with urination, but it just seemed to fit for today's pick...ASPARAGUS!

We sure love this veggie slathered and grilled in butter and seasoned to taste, but it's the sulphury smell of our output afterwards that really gets our juices a'flowin. Yes, thank god it's Friday and then thank him/her for Asparagus.

Oh, The Places I Go: Date Night Edition: Los Pollitos II

Tonight was Date Night for Tweet Pee and while I didn't get to put my P in someone's V, I did get to take a pee in this choice W.C. (that's for all my international pee-ps).

Tweet Pee's Stream of Consciousness: Eric Clapton

My sentiments exactly.

Oh, The Places I Go: Santos Party House

Yesterday I let my flow go four times in two different places. Three of those incidents took place in my own toilet, but in the evening I had the pleasure of peeing at Santos Party House, the hot Manhattan club owned by Rock superstar Andrew W.K.. I was there to take in a rock show by the burgeoning Brooklynites in Mahogany. The show kicked ass and so did the urinals.

This is what the facilities looked like.

I'm Peeing!

Hey Everyone,
My name is Tweet Pee. I like to blog, but I also like to pee. It's a conflict of interest, I know. Anyway, I wanted to welcome you to my new blog. It's about all the peeing I'll be doing this year and thereafter. I'm not into any sort of perverted form of peeing, I just like to pee in a toilet bowl or a urinal. Maybe one day you'll read my blog and tell me about all of the times you pee. I don't want to hear about any of the poop though. That is gross. Anyway, check me out on twitter at Tweet Pee. I'll be talking all about my peeing there too.