Favorite Things Friday: Swimming pools

With the official start of summer fast approaching Tweet Pee has been busy conducting an official survey of his local recreation spots to find out where in his neighborhood he'll be able to spell r-e-l-i-e-f when the weather gets unbearably hot. In this case "relief" has a double meaning. There's nothing Tweet Pee loves to do in the summer time than to slowly inch himself into this Friday's Favorite Thing...a swimming pool.

Yes, swimming pools provide a welcome respite from the unbearable lightness and hotness of the center of our solar system better known as "Big Fire Thing," but while the rest of our body can't wait to feel the cooling, soothing touch of aquatic velvet, sometimes our junk begs to differ. Only when Tweet Pee and countless others fight off the fear of genitalia submersion can he truly be free to enjoy swimming pools.

While cooling off is all well and good, another benefit of the swimming pool is that its really the only place, with the exception of the ocean and other natural bodies of water, where one can urinate in public with others looking on. While the ocean is a great big receptacle for all sorts of waste, whether it be toxic or just natural anemone urine (a.k.a the peach nectar of the sea); the swimming pool is a placid man-made body of water that not only fulfills your sick fetish for sneakily having your friends bathe in your own waste, but it is also devoid of sharks that bite and sneaky parasites that can swim up your pee-hole and ruin the rest of your life.

So if you're looking to spread some sprinkle this summer, better not pick a place where you'll be in danger of risking life and your fifth limb. Head on over to a swimming pool and warm it up a few degrees with your pees.

Favorite Things Friday: Snow

With temperatures temporarily up after this past week's wintry weather, spring is fast approaching. It seems that there will be precious few, if any, opportunity for Tweet Pee to further indulge in the joys of his favorite thing this Friday...SNOW. Snow is much more than a Canadian Reggae artist from the 1990's, it's also a wonderful medium for writing one's own name when lacking a pen and paper or flag to mark your territory should you be trying to at the moment claim an icy expanse for self or country.

Not all surfaces are ideal for this practice as peeing on grass or dirt is usually absorbed in a way that fails to tell people who you are or what you've done there. Peeing on snow really allows your true colors to shine and for that it is this Friday's Favorite thing. Now if only we could get one more layer of fresh powder before March fades out like a lamb.

Fridays Favorite Things: Fire Hoses

Tweet Pee is constantly attempting to rescue people from burning buildings. However, he does not do this by running inside flame-riddled domiciles in hopes of finding any living, breathing thing to carry out over his shoulders. Tweet Pee merely races to the site of said inferno -once the Fire Chief projects the instantly recognizable Tweet Pee symbol- in the hopes of arriving before the local engine ladder company, so that he may begin urinating on the edifice in question.

Tweet Pee tries to douse the flames with his whiz, but often withdraws at the onset of any uncomfortable warmth in his pecker region. Luckily, by the time this dangerous heat begins to be felt, the local fire precinct has most likely arrived leaving Tweet Pee to zip up and withdraw at the behest of the real heroes, the men who so bravely wield the Fire Hoses...Tweet Pee's favorite thing this Friday.

The deploying of a fire hose is more or less a scale recreation of an urgent six hour delay between trips to drain the weasel. While the force from a fire hose can knock a man off of his feet, often times a long spell without urination can cause a man to use a wall in order to brace himself for the process of bladder emptying. Sure a long delayed-piss can't put out a large scale building fire, but it can certainly put a damper on a blaze lit by camping enthusiasts.

However, with the existence of fire hoses, Tweet Pee has little reason to risk life and "limb" by participating in the act of dousing dangerous blazes. And any invention that insures Tweet Pee's member will remain a valuable and useful member of society has to be one of Tweet Pee's Favorite Things.

Favorite Things Friday: Water Guns

Long ago Tweet Pee vowed that it was time to put away childish things. Fortunately, when he put them away he stored them in a bin labeled "childish things' just in case he felt like picking them back up again. If you visited that storage area right now you'd be able to find at least four different incarnations of today's topic for Friday's Favorite things, The Water Gun.

Yes, not only is a water gun the perfect toy to excite children about the prospect of potentially going to war when they get older, but unleashing that deadly flow from a super soaker bears an uncanny resemblance to the sort of action one gets after being stuck on three hour car ride and finally making it to the bathroom to drain one's bladder. The pump action release turns a plastic toy into a howitzer, much like your pee-pee awaiting a long delayed whiz.

The results are more or less frozen ropes of liquid that can tag a target at 20 yards. Both are weapons of mass soak action. Though after long car rides Tweet Pee does not recommend trying to hit a moving human target with your bladder stream. You'll probably get your ass kicked. Stick to the bowl/urinal...and for simulating the urgent flow, stick to the water gun, Tweet Pee's favorite thing for this Friday.

Favorite Things Friday: Indoor Plumbing

Happy Friday everyone. As you well know, or should know by now since you've been following Tweet Pee for so long, Friday is the day where we take a look at some of our favorite things. We don't give them away like Oprah does, but that doesn't matter because most of those things are already in your possession or can be easily bought in your local grocery store.

Our favorite thing for this Friday is kind of obvious. Without it we wouldn't have a pot to piss in. Actually we would, but it would be just that, a pot. Yes, our favorite thing this Friday is none other than INDOOR PLUMBING. Without the miracle of indoor plumbing we'd all be taking whizzes out the window and soaking unsuspecting and subsequently angry passers by. Or we would have some sort of receptacle in our rooms where whenever we got the urge to splurge, one would just go in it and leave it be until the stench got so bad they tossed it out the window, soaking an unsuspecting passer by.

Even worse, without this true mark of civilization we might have to use outhouses in the dead of winter, or just use a certain wall in our homes that we designate the waste wall. Either way, it would be very unsanitary. So civilized people of the world, thank your lucky stars for indoor plumbing. Tweet Pee does every day. It's one of his favorite things.

Fridays Favorite Things: Fountains

A babbling brook, a flowing stream, a cd of nature sounds. Sure they all make us think of the act of urination, but visually they don't always whet our appetite for expulsion, which was coincidentally a rejected Guns 'n' Roses album title.

There are only a few things set our flow aflood and get our bladder a burstin'. Imagine for a moment you're touring through Roman ruins and haven't had a sip of water for hours. You're as parched as a nomad roaming the Kalahari. All of the sudden you hear a sound like a loosened faucet or a raging river breaking on through a busted dam.

You know there's no natural bodies of water around you, but up ahead you spy a likeness of Cupid or Artemis with arrow in hand and mouth agape. From that mouth you see water spouting...and while your pipes should certainly be empty, they seem to scrape up what little moisture you have, making you believe that you could just use a trip to the water closet before you should venture any further. That thing that has most likely inspired your urge to splurge is none other than one of Friday's Favorite things...a fountain.

Favorite Things Friday: Asparagus

It's Friday, Tweet Pee's favorite day of the week. In accordance with this cause for celebration, today brings the inception of Favorite Things Friday. Every Friday from here on out, Tweet Pee will declare one of his favorite things. It's sort of like that annual Oprah episode without all of the audience freebies. So what kind of things will be included in these weekly installments? Raindrops on roses? Whiskers on kittens? Sure those things are great, but neither of them make me think of pee. So what's on the menu this Friday? Sorry, I didn't mean to use the word menu in association with urination, but it just seemed to fit for today's pick...ASPARAGUS!

We sure love this veggie slathered and grilled in butter and seasoned to taste, but it's the sulphury smell of our output afterwards that really gets our juices a'flowin. Yes, thank god it's Friday and then thank him/her for Asparagus.