Parks and Rec-Pee-ation

It seems only natural that one would long to release some of their god-given golden fluids into the prized bosom of one of our nation's most cherished parks and nature reserves. After all, what is mother nature if not the "old"-est and most "faithful" urinal of them all? Unfortunately the, in Tweet Pee's opinion, entirely too civilized folks at Yellowstone Park disagree. They have no problem with bears moving their bowels in the woods, but when two concession employees decided to unleash their natural geyser of sorts into the wonder that is Old Faithful, the park's management threw a pissy fit.

The decision to not use the proper pee receptacle ultimately got the two violators shit-canned seeing as they were caught on a webcam. One of the violators, a 23-year old man, also got slapped with a hefty $750 fine (in this economy?) in addition to being placed on three years of unsupervised probation for urinating, being off trail in a restricted area and taking items from the area. Talk about getting a tough break for doing what comes naturally. If Tweet Pee had the money, he'd pay your fine Mr. Friend to Mother Nature. We support your decision to not waste water and we also frown on Yellowstone's waste of excess energy by employing said webcam.

Celibri-pee Gossip: Since You've Been Goin'...In The Shower

It's none too often that Tweet Pee finds his somewhat puerile mind delving into the shower habits of the stars, but every once in awhile he likes to imagine Kelly Clarkson's dynamite singing voice cutting through the mist of a steam filled wash room with the words to "Since You've Been Gone" melodically blaring through the surrounding rooms.

In Tweet Pee's vision he never saw beyond the curtains, because, let's face it, a star's business is their own business. Unfortunately, the TMI gods at OK! Magazine (via Blender) had to go and sully the pristine image of the only American Idol winner to do something with her life by reporting that lil "Miss Independent" doesn't only like to sing in the shower, but that she's also too lazy to make it to the commode at times and often lets #1 loose in the place where she lathers and rinses.

Tweet Pee is now conflicted over his admiration over the music star. On one hand, he'll always love her voice, but on the other hand he would never use her shower.

Celibri-pee Gossip: Brad Pitt Loomed Over At London Loo

Tweet Pee has a riddle for you. What's tall, famous and can't seem to "go" in peace? If you guessed Dolph Lundgren in the 1990 film I Come In Peace, you'd be wrong. The answer is none other than international film sensation, the masculine half of the most famous couple in the world and Kickapoo High School's favorite grad, Brad Pitt.

Apparently Benjamin Button himself was recently at a pub in the Soho section of London, when the Oscar-nominated actor got up to take a leak in the loo. (Stars, they're just like us!) Unfortunately, on his way to the W.C. , the adoptive father of Angelina Jolie's matronly ambitions found himself swarmed by six awe-ful fans who proceeded to shuffle after him as he made his way to paint the town's water supply yellow.

Tweet Pee isn't sure what the moral of this story is. Maybe it's that if you become famous, you should always be equipped with a catheter to avoid awkward bathroom moments on the town or maybe it's that the act of urination is only remotely interesting when celebrities do it...or on try #3 it could be that privacy should always be extended as a common courtesy whenever someone no matter who is relieving oneself. Tweet Pee is sticking with that last one.

So remember readers, even if you see someone as famous as Scott Baio heading into a urinal, do not follow them. Pee Time is "Me Time" and certainly not your time.

February Pee Poll Results

Tweet Pee likes to be in touch with his readers. He doesn't like to touch his readers...they can touch themselves, but in an effort to really get a feel for the interests of those who peruse the contents of The Life and Streams (or as he likes to call it TLASOTP) Tweet Pee decided that he should post a reader poll. After nearly an entire month sitting in the upper left hand corner of the site that poll has finally closed and now Tweet Pee is set to reveal the final results of the all important question he posed to his readers, the question that asked, "What is your preferred method of Urination?"

Well the votes have been tallied and according to the results 50% of people prefer to pee in the pool when no one is looking. Tweet Pee is absolutely shocked that this method won out over more traditional ways of releasing urine such as "standing up" or "in a bathtub with a midwife" but the results speak for themselves. Tweet Pee is not sure whether the sample size of eight participants is enough to turn this poll into a valid scientific study. We'll have to check with New England Journal of Medicine or Psychology Today and we'll get back to you when we do. In the meantime, to make this appear like a legitimate study, Tweet Pee has taken great pains to make a chart using a real computer program.

Urine The Movies: Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

Tweet Pee's Tune For Tuesday: J. Geils Band "Piss On The Wall"

Tweet Pee listened to a lot of music growing up. Even though many a song blessed these ears with memorable lyrics and a catchy hook, there was but one in particular that influenced my love of implementing the golden flow on an area where it was not intended. That track was not Garbage's "Only Happy When It Rains" nor was it Coldplay's "Yellow". Those songs, while being absolutely lovely in their own right, came along too late in my musical education to be of any substantial impact in where I lay my stream to rest.
My parents had I believe ordered the J. Geils Band album, Freeze Frame from the Columbia House catalog sometime around 1981. While I absolutely adored songs one and three ("Freeze-Frame" and "Centerfold", respectively), it was the very last track that gave me my marching orders. On several occasions, with Peter Wolf's voice in my head commanding me, I unleashed my baby-snake and/or button and did his bidding as the words "Piss On The Wall," echoed through my synapses causing me to unleash a flood of urine onto the right hand wall of our family's ornate, flowery-wallpapered bathroom.

While I'd like to say I don't hear Mr. Wolf's voice ordering me around anymore, sometimes I have to go so bad with no bathroom in sight that the wall is the nearest refuge. So in honor of my undying affection for the J. Geils Band. Here's a bit of a blast from the Tweet Pee past:

Monday Movie Madness: Naked Gun

3 Pee No-Nos

I like to pee. I think that's been established, but there are three things about peeing that really gets my anger flowing. I like to call them the 3 Pee No-Nos.

So without further ado, here they are:

1. Splashback- There's nothing worse than letting loose in a urinal only to have some of your liquid waste splash back and hit your skin. It makes you feel dirty in a bad way.

2. Peeing into other people's pee- I hate when other people leave their pee in the bowl as if not flushing it will save water. I'm going to flush your pee before I pee into it, because the thought of getting splashed back with a mixture of more than my own pee is horrifying.

3. Peeing on the seat- If you're going to pee, you must agree; it's best to do so with the seat up. If your aim is so bad that you cannot conduct your business in the middle of the bowl there's no harm in admitting your inability to hit the bullseye. It's not like anyone's watching you or you need to get one right in the middle. No one expects you to be Phil "The Power" Taylor. To make your pee complete, just lift up that seat.

TweetPSA Tuesday: Tweet Kitty Tips

TweetKitty Says:
Meow! Remember to always put the seat down after you pee. This ensures that your friends won't fall in. Well, most of your friends.

That's One To Grow On!

Urine (You're In) The Movies: Dirty Work

Tweet Pee's Big Game Tips: Super Bowl Sunday

Remember, if you're going to be eating wings and draining your wang over the bowl, you should definitely wash your hands before doing the latter. Hot sauce on sensitive skin can often be a recipe for disaster. You don't want to have to suddenly leave during the fourth quarter of a tight game due to a burning sensation that doesn't involve wanting to see the Cardinals win their first Super Bowl.

Alright, enjoy the game and check in later for our official MVPee.
P.S. You can do whatever you want with Bleu Cheese, we don't really care.

Favorite Things Friday: Asparagus

It's Friday, Tweet Pee's favorite day of the week. In accordance with this cause for celebration, today brings the inception of Favorite Things Friday. Every Friday from here on out, Tweet Pee will declare one of his favorite things. It's sort of like that annual Oprah episode without all of the audience freebies. So what kind of things will be included in these weekly installments? Raindrops on roses? Whiskers on kittens? Sure those things are great, but neither of them make me think of pee. So what's on the menu this Friday? Sorry, I didn't mean to use the word menu in association with urination, but it just seemed to fit for today's pick...ASPARAGUS!

We sure love this veggie slathered and grilled in butter and seasoned to taste, but it's the sulphury smell of our output afterwards that really gets our juices a'flowin. Yes, thank god it's Friday and then thank him/her for Asparagus.