Pee News: Mouth to Pee Theater

Tweet Pee isn't really the type who goes outside his comfort zone when it comes to letting it flow like a river. He doesn't unleash the pelvic watergun for reasons of fetishistic delight either. Tweet Pee fancies urinals, toilets, back alleys and the great outdoors when it comes to painting the town yellow.

That's not to say he doesn't get kick out of the occasional odd urinal. Lord knows he's seen a few in his day, but none that he'd say were capable of making a controversial splash, lest you were referring to an unpleasant ricochet off a urinal containing god knows how many other people's urine.

However, some patrons of Hamilton, Ontario's The Honest Lawyer eatery aren't as open-minded as ol' Tweet Pee. Seems they've got the holes in their boxer-briefs all buttoned up over a few silly tinkle receptacles shaped like those Twizzler lips from way back when.

Now, nobody seemed so pissed off when those things were biting up phallic licorice sticks in the 80's, but relieve yourself in one and all of the sudden we've got a full-fledged hullabaloo on our hopefully dry hands.

The stream catchers inspired an anti-lip loo campaign that gained stream when 1,100 fans of boring ol' urinals, including the city's mayor and Ontario's NDP (whatever that means), used the archaic method of letter-writing to let their uptight verbal diarrhea spew forth from their fountain pens, arguing that people peeing in these urinals was offensive to women.

Tweet Pee would like to say, "stop thinking so hard!" Not only was this assumption that every man just going to take a pee was intentionally defiling women an ignorant exercise in trying to see the worst; it's predicated on the supposition that most men actually care where his bladder may blast.

Beyond a laugh and a smirk at the creative use of urinal space, whether you give a man a trough, a mouth or plain ol' porcelain; he'll only see one thing– a bulls-eye.

Parks and Rec-Pee-ation

It seems only natural that one would long to release some of their god-given golden fluids into the prized bosom of one of our nation's most cherished parks and nature reserves. After all, what is mother nature if not the "old"-est and most "faithful" urinal of them all? Unfortunately the, in Tweet Pee's opinion, entirely too civilized folks at Yellowstone Park disagree. They have no problem with bears moving their bowels in the woods, but when two concession employees decided to unleash their natural geyser of sorts into the wonder that is Old Faithful, the park's management threw a pissy fit.

The decision to not use the proper pee receptacle ultimately got the two violators shit-canned seeing as they were caught on a webcam. One of the violators, a 23-year old man, also got slapped with a hefty $750 fine (in this economy?) in addition to being placed on three years of unsupervised probation for urinating, being off trail in a restricted area and taking items from the area. Talk about getting a tough break for doing what comes naturally. If Tweet Pee had the money, he'd pay your fine Mr. Friend to Mother Nature. We support your decision to not waste water and we also frown on Yellowstone's waste of excess energy by employing said webcam.

Pee-lice Blotter: Don't Do The Dew

While the Indian public are gearing up to enjoy their cow piss sodie pop, not everyone in the world is eager to voluntarily imbibe carbonated beverages containing blasts of bladder juice. That, however, did not stop two students at Connecticut's Hartford Union High School from serving up scandalous sipping samples containing natural leakage to two trusting and thirsty pupils at one of the school's recent basketball games.

After carrying out the repugnant practical joke the offending parties sent out an email notifying the student body just who weased the juice. Unfortunately, that email ended up in the inbox of an administrator and the two students were then arrested.

Sadly, that's where the flow of information ends. Tweet Pee is currently unaware if the two offending parties are Chinese or if they told a joke before carrying out the prank. If we find out more, we'll let you know.

Update: Urine Luck...Barry Bonds!

It seems like just yesterday Tweet Pee was boasting of the busted-ness of Baseball Star Barry Bonds thanks to the seal being broken on Federal Records seized from BALCO way back in 2003. The records seemed to indicate that Bonds' pee was not exactly roid-free.

Despite the incriminating scent emanating from his urine samples, a judge ruled yesterday that "Exhibit P" in the Bonds' case was as good as flushed. Claiming the Steroid Slugger's stream samples as inadmissible evidence due to the fact that prosecutors were not able to conclusively show that they belonged to Bonds, U.S. district court judge Susan Illston threw the baby (or in this case the urine) out with the bathwater (or in this case, the toilet water). She also threw out the potential use of doping calendars (exhibit Q) maintained by Bonds' trainer Greg Anderson...meaning that in order to nail the mercurial SuperAsshole Athlete, Bonds' trainer himself would have to testify...which is unlikely.

The whole thing seems to put a damper (pun always intended) on the idea of seeing Bonds behind bars for lying to a grand jury, seeing as there is no perm(p)issible evidence. Oh well, so much for that.

Urine For A Treat

There were many wonderful candy choices for Tweet Pee growing up. Fun Dip, Nerds, and of course yellow life savers were always heavy on the mind of his sweet tooth. All of those tasty treats came in distinctly different packages, but each one seemed to make sense for the deliciousness they dispensed. Life savers came in a roll, Fun dip in the packet with the stick, and Nerds had the two seperate chambers filled with crunchy, candy goodness.

Common sense seemed to reign supreme in the commercial design world when it came to containing precious bits of sugar-coated goodness, but still something wasn't right. The Royal we couldn't help but feel that there was still room for improvement. It wasn't until today that Tweet Pee realized exactly what was missing in the confectionery cosmos.


Luckily, someone figured out the great packaging mystery that has plagued the Sweets Universe for all this time. Who knows, if it weren't for the folks at Nifty Candy we, as a society, might have never figured out that we should be enjoying sour liquid candy with tangy lemon flavor from an actual urine specimen jar. Praise the lord, Tweet Pee has seen the light.


The golden liquid is not the only option being offered as part of their line of Medicinal Candy. Also available in the former pee pods are colorful and yummy kidney stones, cure-all candy pills, and the overtly therapeutic "Sour Spanks Jelly Beans."

If enjoying a stream sample in a jar is not your thing, then urine luck. You can have your pick of bodily fluids litter and enjoy samples of saccharine-heavy saliva, honeyed hemoglobin, and of course, even more candied pee as part of the company's "Crime Scene Candy." Mmm...Mmmm...maybe.



Via Nerd Approved

Pee News:Urine Japan, Urine-trading, Urine Jail

Tweet Pee wouldn't mind making a little money off of his Urine-related musings, but he would never physically extract that of others for a little loot on the side.

He's got better things to do like use his stopwatch to time every time he takes a whiz and scour the world wide web for pop culture pee moments. He more or less just doesn't have the time or the inclination to engage in such matters of the stream.

The same cannot be said for a man in Japan (Tweet Pee likes how that rhymes) who was nabbed by Japanese cops (are there any other kind there?) for distributing leaflets roadside to female high school students, alerting them of his intent to purchase their pee.

At the time of his arrest, the #1 enthusiast for feminine flow (see what we did there?) was carrying a conical flask and a Tupperware box to store their secretions. The leak freak told police that he got the idea when he heard a conversation between two high school girls that went as follows:

“How do you make extra money?”

“I’m selling my urine, it goes for a high price.”

And with that he was inspired. According to the previously alluded to leaflet, he was buying both bodily fluids and underwear, amongst other things, with prices ranging from ¥2,000~¥4,000. Tweet Pee isn't sure how much that is, but it's probably more than it should be, unless those teens were drinking Goldschlager with those little gold flakes.

The sick solicitor was charged with violating youth protection laws and if Tweet Pee had any grasp of the Japanese justice system, he might be able to tell you what kind of pee-nalty said offender was facing, but he can't.

Pee News: India Takes The Piss Out of Cows

Thanks to former Yankee Broadcaster Phil Rizzuto's frequent shouts of "Holy Cow" (and his subsequent invitations to The Money Store) Tweet Pee has long known that the Cow is a sacred animal in India. The nation's Hindu population revere their bovine benefactor so much that slaughtering anything that goes Moo (unless it's one of those string-pulling toys) is illegal, giving them the distinct disadvantage of never having sampled a succulent sirloin. Just because much of the population has never chowed on some ground chuck or bit into a Brisket, doesn't mean that they'll never experience the pleasure of golden showering themselves with the flavor of faith.

As it turns out, not all of the Cow is considered "off-limits". The Cow Protection Department of the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS), India's biggest and oldest Hindu nationalist group, has begun to brew up an apparently palatable new beverage made from Cow Urine. Allow Tweet Pee to be the first one to say, "mmm...mmm." Oh, wait a second, we meant, "yech!"

Despite our current misgivings about the release of "gau jal"(Sanskrit), or "cow water"; Om Prakash, the head of the C.P.D.R.S.S. assures the public that the drink will not smell like cow pee and will be quite flavorful. Tweet Pee will believe it when we taste it. In the meantime, Tweet Pee would also like to declare that at present the title of "Worst Job In The World" goes to the taste testers of "gau jal".

Pee News: Urine Therapy, Urine Bolivia

If anyone is looking for evidence that Pee is much better for you when it's leaving your body than it is going in, Tweet Pee has the definitive proof. This past Saturday in La Paz Bolivia a woman, 35-year-old Gabriela Ascarrunz, was killed after being injected with a dose of urine. The act wasn't carried out by some heinous archvillain aimed at randomly poisoning the bloodstreams of unsuspecting victims. Word is Señora Orina De Mal (Mrs. Bad Urine, the obvious name of such a Spanish speaking supervillain) was busy hatching some other evil plan to flood the bathrooms in the Bolivian Capitol Building.

The murderous culprit was none other than Bolivian Fashion designer and Urine Therapy enthusiast, Monica Schultz. Apparently Schultz graduated from the school of Medicine that hangs out in bathrooms and asks unsuspecting users of the facilities, "are you really gonna flush that?"

According to her specific brand of alternative medicine, pee can be used for cosmetic purposes and to treat various diseases, by either rubbing on your skin, injecting it, or drinking it. While Tweet Pee's all for getting the most flow for our Euro, the idea of injecting our body's waste back into our bloodstream, just doesn't sound so smart.

Urine The News...Barry Bonds!

Hey, guess what Barry Bonds?!?!?! Urine the news! Or more specifically, your pee is the news! With the seal being broken on Federal records gathered by investigators in their September 2003 raid on the BALCO compound, there is now further evidence that the super-priggish slugger was all juiced up for years spent socking balls over fences. Did we mention he also hit a lot of home runs while he was on the roids during that span of time? Zing!

Anyway, the not-so-shocking news comes from the non-revelation that a test of Bonds' urine sample stored in 2003 tested positive for a banned substance. In the words of Bob Seger from the Beverly Hills Cop 2 Soundtrack, "Takedown...Shakedown...You're busted."

Oh, and we missed the opportunity to call him a former Pittsburgh Pee-rate. So there's always that. A friendly reminder that Tweet Pee is always searching for the obvious lowest common denominator joke.

Pee News- File Under: Too Close For Comfort

Behold, a new urinal that holds your junk while you do your business. The royal we would rather it didn't.