Favorite Things Friday: Swimming pools

With the official start of summer fast approaching Tweet Pee has been busy conducting an official survey of his local recreation spots to find out where in his neighborhood he'll be able to spell r-e-l-i-e-f when the weather gets unbearably hot. In this case "relief" has a double meaning. There's nothing Tweet Pee loves to do in the summer time than to slowly inch himself into this Friday's Favorite Thing...a swimming pool.

Yes, swimming pools provide a welcome respite from the unbearable lightness and hotness of the center of our solar system better known as "Big Fire Thing," but while the rest of our body can't wait to feel the cooling, soothing touch of aquatic velvet, sometimes our junk begs to differ. Only when Tweet Pee and countless others fight off the fear of genitalia submersion can he truly be free to enjoy swimming pools.

While cooling off is all well and good, another benefit of the swimming pool is that its really the only place, with the exception of the ocean and other natural bodies of water, where one can urinate in public with others looking on. While the ocean is a great big receptacle for all sorts of waste, whether it be toxic or just natural anemone urine (a.k.a the peach nectar of the sea); the swimming pool is a placid man-made body of water that not only fulfills your sick fetish for sneakily having your friends bathe in your own waste, but it is also devoid of sharks that bite and sneaky parasites that can swim up your pee-hole and ruin the rest of your life.

So if you're looking to spread some sprinkle this summer, better not pick a place where you'll be in danger of risking life and your fifth limb. Head on over to a swimming pool and warm it up a few degrees with your pees.

Pee-lice Blotter: It Smells Like Skunk, Deer

Tweet Pee knows where urine comes from. It comes from the bladders of all god's creatures with the exception of those creatures without bladders that are most certainly the alien beings that L. Ron Hubbard referred to as non-urinating thetans. Beyond that Tweet Pee knows that he is always able get urine from himself and other domesticated animals that one might keep handy in a home like a guinea pig, Velociraptor, or common house cat for the odd occasion he just might need to use it to mark his territory.

While siphoning the waste of your pets to make a statement is all well and good, Tweet Pee questions anyone who would go above and beyond the call of duty to seek out the urine of more elusive animals who aren't readily available in a cage or on display at the local state fair. Rather than go for the homemade approach for the classic senior prank, five graduating students of Kansas's Ell-Saline High School went the gourmet route, giving their school faculty and fellow students an olfactory thrill by dousing their alma-mater with a wasteful and aromatic flow of skunk and deer.

Needless to say, the smell probably didn't remind anyone of roses and it most certainly would not have made for a pleasant environment to take finals. As a result the school was closed until someone bought Glade plug-ins. Though that kind of tomfoolery can sometimes result in a pat on the back and a hearty exclamation of, "good one" more often than not someone ends up frowning in the general direction of the merry brand of pranksters. In this case, the frown was accompanied by charges of vandalism and said pranksters were arrested. All's well that ends well.

Urine The Movies: Dumb and Dumber

The Most Pee-ceful Place On Earth

Greetings Com-pee-triots! I, Tweet Pee, would like to sincerely apologize for my lengthy hiatus from this here blog and from my tweeting pee-sponsiblities. I hope no one is too pissed off to accept me back into their hearts and restrooms.

You might think my absence from the Internet was for purely selfish reasons and maybe it was, but I fear that I had lost my connection to the natural act of urination. It had become solely a means to the end that was this largely unsuccessful web venture instead of just one of my natural processes. I needed a clear mind, a pure heart, and a recently emptied bladder if I was going to go back to square one and rediscover the inner taker of number ones within.

While most folks are just content to just do the "master cleanse" and start anew, Tweet Pee sought sanctuary in the wilderness and water closets of the Far East. After months of holding it in at the behest of some of the sagest bathroom attendants in all of the land, Tweet Pee finally came to achieve total and utter inner peace when he reached the most pee-ceful place on earth, a.k.a. the restroom of a Healthland Spa in Bangkok, Thailand.


The serene accompaniment of soothing music mixed in with the sound of flowing water and the sight of plant life flourishing, left Tweet Pee filled with the joie de vivre one feels when one has a suitable epiphany. At the site of those standing porcelain gods, Tweet Pee let the river flow as if it had been dammed up for a thousand years. That true feeling of relief was a rebirth for both Tweet Pee and this blog.

So it is with great pride and a renewed vigor that Tweet Pee relaunches "The Life and Streams of Tweet Pee" in the hopes you will follow along and show reverence to this most basic of bodily functions. Stay tuned for a virtual babbling brook of bloggery.

Pee Politics: Pee The People!

As a red-blooded, yellow-urined American, Tweet Pee is well aware there are some Americans that are worth showering with golden bodily fluid and some that you wouldn't even give the time of day even if it were with an alarm-clock that squirted pee in your eye to wake you up rather than blasting your favorite Spanish-language radio station at 6 in the morning.

Looks like some members of the government are on the very same page. Rep. Pete Stark (D-California) made it more than apparent that one particular pissed off individual in particular was not worthy of being pissed on by his elected-ness.




After being berated by a crotchety old member of the government-provided health care opposition, who just so happened to end his diatribe by asking the Congressmen to not to pee on his leg and tell him it's raining, Stark alerted the old man that perhaps he best check his depends or look for cumulo-nimbus clouds, because the old man and his misinformed rhetoric didn't deserve the dignity usually reserved for esteemed urine receptacles. Or if you want the layman's version: He layed the smack down.


Now Tweet Pee doesn't usually condone not wanting to pee on elderly folk, but since Urine is a renewable source of water we do realize like Rep. Stark, that letting it go to waste on some poor old man who has absolutely no idea what he is talking about isn't really worthwhile, especially when it can be used as drinking water on the space station.

Outpeed and Out-Tweeted

Tweet Pee likes to think of himself as the most prolific tweeter/peer/waster of time in the Tweeting universe, but since taking a lengthy hiatus and frankly tiring of the twittersphere, a new device just might out-doo him.

The folks over at Toronto's Hacklab have hatched a plan and subsequently rigged a device to let you know just when they're done doing their duty at their home base of bowel movements and golden rain.

While they might not necessarily out-pee the Tweet Pee, they've certainly got the upper hand on reporting it. Kudos to them and their obvious wealth of laptop equipment. I hope they get a toilet paper sponsor out of this. Ok, I'm going to go drink a lot of fluids and whizz to my heart's content.

Via Gizmodo

Parks and Rec-Pee-ation

It seems only natural that one would long to release some of their god-given golden fluids into the prized bosom of one of our nation's most cherished parks and nature reserves. After all, what is mother nature if not the "old"-est and most "faithful" urinal of them all? Unfortunately the, in Tweet Pee's opinion, entirely too civilized folks at Yellowstone Park disagree. They have no problem with bears moving their bowels in the woods, but when two concession employees decided to unleash their natural geyser of sorts into the wonder that is Old Faithful, the park's management threw a pissy fit.

The decision to not use the proper pee receptacle ultimately got the two violators shit-canned seeing as they were caught on a webcam. One of the violators, a 23-year old man, also got slapped with a hefty $750 fine (in this economy?) in addition to being placed on three years of unsupervised probation for urinating, being off trail in a restricted area and taking items from the area. Talk about getting a tough break for doing what comes naturally. If Tweet Pee had the money, he'd pay your fine Mr. Friend to Mother Nature. We support your decision to not waste water and we also frown on Yellowstone's waste of excess energy by employing said webcam.

It's So Easy Peeing Green

Tweet Pee wanted to wish you all a Happy St. Patrick's Day. Drink plenty of green beer. If it turns your flow into a Green River...send a picture sans junk to TweetPee@gmail.com and he'll display it on the site. You won't win anything just Tweet Pee's eternal respect. Who knows though, one day when this site is huge, maybe Tweet Pee's eternal respect will be worth something.

A word to the wise though...If you just so happen to pee green without the aid of food coloring you may have a urinary tract infection and Tweet Pee suggests that you go see a doctor.

Urine The Movies: Billy Madison

Tweet Pee apologizes for the poor movie quzlity, it's all he could find on youtube.

Favorite Things Friday: Ice Cube Trays

Tweet Pee has never strayed from a little mischief. There was that time in grade school when he set his school on fire and that other time in pre-school when he set his teacher on fire. Tweet Pee really got into it in those early days. As Tweet Pee grew older though his high jinks transformed from pranks dealing with his disdain for authority into shenanigans that made other people look stupid but made him laugh heartily. With his tomfoolery trending in such a direction, Tweet Pee discovered the magic of his favorite thing this Friday, The Ice Cube Tray.

The Ice Cube Tray just so happens to be the crucial component in the trick that Tweet Pee happens to enjoy pulling out at parties most frequently. Often times while attending a bash at a house other than his own, Tweet Pee will snag the tray from the freezer and make his way to the bathroom. Seeing as he is a master of fleet footedness and covert operations, rarely does he ever have a problem sneaking the yellow hued ice-to-be into the freezer. The result is shock and eww as partygoers soon realize (or don't until someone sends an email about it) just what is that cool stink in their fresh drink. And it was all made possible by the magic of Ice Cube Trays...Tweet Pee's favorite thing for this Friday.

Oh, The Places I Go: Coyote Ugly

Tweet Pee has had a busy week hitting the town and attempting to dye it's water supply yellow. You'll have to excuse him for lagging behind on his updates. The first stop on this weeks' Tour De Flow was a bar so popular, they sort of made a movie about it. At least they used the name of the bar as the movie title. That movie and that bar of course are known as Coyote Ugly.

It wasn't long after downing a few Pabst Blue Brews that Tweet Pee found himself sauntering off to the little big boys room. It was just like he had last remembered it. It was dirty, wet, and wreaked of urine. He skipped the urinal on account that it seemed as though there were pools of mixed urine inside and splashback could be lethal if not deadly, instead opting for the somewhat more sanitary bowl.

While Tweet Pee has no idea what sort of germs may have adhered themselves to the bottom of his shoes, he felt much more relieved after having stepped out of the bathroom than having stepped in.

Celibri-pee Gossip: Since You've Been Goin'...In The Shower

It's none too often that Tweet Pee finds his somewhat puerile mind delving into the shower habits of the stars, but every once in awhile he likes to imagine Kelly Clarkson's dynamite singing voice cutting through the mist of a steam filled wash room with the words to "Since You've Been Gone" melodically blaring through the surrounding rooms.

In Tweet Pee's vision he never saw beyond the curtains, because, let's face it, a star's business is their own business. Unfortunately, the TMI gods at OK! Magazine (via Blender) had to go and sully the pristine image of the only American Idol winner to do something with her life by reporting that lil "Miss Independent" doesn't only like to sing in the shower, but that she's also too lazy to make it to the commode at times and often lets #1 loose in the place where she lathers and rinses.

Tweet Pee is now conflicted over his admiration over the music star. On one hand, he'll always love her voice, but on the other hand he would never use her shower.