Fridays Favorite Things: Fire Hoses

Tweet Pee is constantly attempting to rescue people from burning buildings. However, he does not do this by running inside flame-riddled domiciles in hopes of finding any living, breathing thing to carry out over his shoulders. Tweet Pee merely races to the site of said inferno -once the Fire Chief projects the instantly recognizable Tweet Pee symbol- in the hopes of arriving before the local engine ladder company, so that he may begin urinating on the edifice in question.

Tweet Pee tries to douse the flames with his whiz, but often withdraws at the onset of any uncomfortable warmth in his pecker region. Luckily, by the time this dangerous heat begins to be felt, the local fire precinct has most likely arrived leaving Tweet Pee to zip up and withdraw at the behest of the real heroes, the men who so bravely wield the Fire Hoses...Tweet Pee's favorite thing this Friday.

The deploying of a fire hose is more or less a scale recreation of an urgent six hour delay between trips to drain the weasel. While the force from a fire hose can knock a man off of his feet, often times a long spell without urination can cause a man to use a wall in order to brace himself for the process of bladder emptying. Sure a long delayed-piss can't put out a large scale building fire, but it can certainly put a damper on a blaze lit by camping enthusiasts.

However, with the existence of fire hoses, Tweet Pee has little reason to risk life and "limb" by participating in the act of dousing dangerous blazes. And any invention that insures Tweet Pee's member will remain a valuable and useful member of society has to be one of Tweet Pee's Favorite Things.

Pee-lice Blotter: Don't Do The Dew

While the Indian public are gearing up to enjoy their cow piss sodie pop, not everyone in the world is eager to voluntarily imbibe carbonated beverages containing blasts of bladder juice. That, however, did not stop two students at Connecticut's Hartford Union High School from serving up scandalous sipping samples containing natural leakage to two trusting and thirsty pupils at one of the school's recent basketball games.

After carrying out the repugnant practical joke the offending parties sent out an email notifying the student body just who weased the juice. Unfortunately, that email ended up in the inbox of an administrator and the two students were then arrested.

Sadly, that's where the flow of information ends. Tweet Pee is currently unaware if the two offending parties are Chinese or if they told a joke before carrying out the prank. If we find out more, we'll let you know.

Scientific Pee-Search: Are Urinals The New Flower Pots?

It's not a rare occurrence for human beings to go whizzing in the woods while on a camping trip or in an emergency on the side of the road, but it's not as if when we do so we express even the slightest concern for the life of the plant we inevitably go on. We're more concerned with accidentally brushing our genitalia on Poison Sumac or hoping a ravenous animal doesn't attack our nether regions in the process. As it turns out, our lack of worry for our natural leafy surroundings in such a situation may indeed be justified.

Apparently the phosphorus and nitrogen in our pee may actually help plants grow. Some Swiss folk have even come up with a "biological waste treatment process" to remove these two elements from golden flow in order to use it as fertilizer. This finding has also inspired an art installation entitled drinkpeedrinkpeedrinkpee, which takes a look at our ability to convert urine into houseplant fertilizer or even drinking water. The creatives behind the project, Britta Riley and Rebecca Bray, have since unleashed a DIY Fertilizer kit on their project page.

Tweet Pee is currently more interested in drinking his own tap water, but thinks such a kit might come in handy if he's ever trapped under a bookcase after an earthquake and can't reach the faucet.

via BoingBoing

Oh The Places I Go: Two For Tuesday

Life's been a little busy for Tweet Pee as of late. He's been slacking in his mission to show you some of the finest Pee spots in all of NYC. The past few days saw two new entrants into the Urinal Hall of Fame.

The first place Tweet Pee spelled relief on Saturday evening was at Brownstone Billiards/Oceans 8 on Flatbush Ave. in Park Slope. The bathroom had two urinals, including one on the short side. Though I didn't have to get on my tippy toes for the tall one, being a not-so-tall person himself Tweet Pee showed solidarity with his below average height brethren and whizzed it up at the low set latrine.

It wasn't until Monday when Tweet Pee took in the Best Picture-winning Slumdog Millionaire at the Pavilion Theater off of Prospect Park that he found himself at yet another unfamiliar urinal. There were three of those and two stalls that he found upon entry and seeing as the door to the Men's room did not close very well, Tweet Pee found himself shuffling through the narrow space to the second urinal so that his best friend (seeing as he doesn't have a dog) could not be seen by bathroom passers by. It was a tight fit, but Tweet Pee and his Pee Pee passed with flying colors before taking in the excellent film.

Sorry to leave all of my eager readers hanging. We know you've been thirsty for more Tweet Pee news and there's not enough toilet water to tide you over. It won't happen again.

Urine The Movies: Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

Update: Urine Luck...Barry Bonds!

It seems like just yesterday Tweet Pee was boasting of the busted-ness of Baseball Star Barry Bonds thanks to the seal being broken on Federal Records seized from BALCO way back in 2003. The records seemed to indicate that Bonds' pee was not exactly roid-free.

Despite the incriminating scent emanating from his urine samples, a judge ruled yesterday that "Exhibit P" in the Bonds' case was as good as flushed. Claiming the Steroid Slugger's stream samples as inadmissible evidence due to the fact that prosecutors were not able to conclusively show that they belonged to Bonds, U.S. district court judge Susan Illston threw the baby (or in this case the urine) out with the bathwater (or in this case, the toilet water). She also threw out the potential use of doping calendars (exhibit Q) maintained by Bonds' trainer Greg Anderson...meaning that in order to nail the mercurial SuperAsshole Athlete, Bonds' trainer himself would have to testify...which is unlikely.

The whole thing seems to put a damper (pun always intended) on the idea of seeing Bonds behind bars for lying to a grand jury, seeing as there is no perm(p)issible evidence. Oh well, so much for that.

Favorite Things Friday: Water Guns

Long ago Tweet Pee vowed that it was time to put away childish things. Fortunately, when he put them away he stored them in a bin labeled "childish things' just in case he felt like picking them back up again. If you visited that storage area right now you'd be able to find at least four different incarnations of today's topic for Friday's Favorite things, The Water Gun.

Yes, not only is a water gun the perfect toy to excite children about the prospect of potentially going to war when they get older, but unleashing that deadly flow from a super soaker bears an uncanny resemblance to the sort of action one gets after being stuck on three hour car ride and finally making it to the bathroom to drain one's bladder. The pump action release turns a plastic toy into a howitzer, much like your pee-pee awaiting a long delayed whiz.

The results are more or less frozen ropes of liquid that can tag a target at 20 yards. Both are weapons of mass soak action. Though after long car rides Tweet Pee does not recommend trying to hit a moving human target with your bladder stream. You'll probably get your ass kicked. Stick to the bowl/urinal...and for simulating the urgent flow, stick to the water gun, Tweet Pee's favorite thing for this Friday.

Today In History: Ozzy Remembers To Go On The Alamo

Everybody has to "go" some time. Though it's certainly more interesting when super famous people do it and get in trouble for it; then it goes right down in the annals of pee history. One such historic event took place twenty-seven years ago today, when the Ozzy Osbourne (a.k.a. The Blizzard of Oz, a.k.a guy who used to bite the heads off of flying animals) breezed into to San Antonio, Texas and tinkled on it's most famous landmark.

No, the Ozzman didn't goeth on famed San Antonio native Tommy Lee Jones or the Spurs various NBA championship trophies, instead he chose to relieve himself on the building that supposedly housed Pee-Wee Herman's bike. If you haven't figured out what we're getting at...Ozzy took a whiz on The Alamo!

As the story goes, just after 11am on the morning of February 19th, 1982, the drunken Prince of Darkness himself (wearing his soon-to-be wife Sharon's dress), moseyed on over and let loose on the historic site where Santa Anna and his Mexican Army of 2,000 strong defeated the military forces of Texas back in 1836, in the most famous battle of The Texas Revolution.

The heavy metal icon was taken into police custody and he never drank again or peed again. The end. Actually that's not true. Ozzy was promptly banned from setting foot in San Antonio for the next decade. All's well that ends well though, when Ozzy finally returned he donated $10,000 to the landmark he desecrated with his bodily fluids. What a guy!

If Urine Israel, Urine For A Political Fight

Israeli Politics isn't one of the topics on which Tweet Pee enjoys pontificating, mostly because he does not have a breadth of knowledge on the subject. All he knows is that there was an election recently and that they still haven't figured out who will be their next Prime Minister.

As a late comer to the carnival that is the race to control the Knesset, the only real fact that Tweet Pee has learned is that one party alone in this campaign stood up for the people's right to not get urinated on by a man on a diving board. That party was Brit Olam, or the "For Our Children Party."



Brit Olam's campaign commercial urged voters not to "let them pee on us anymore" and Tweet Pee is assuming that this message rang out loud and clear, proving wildly successful unless the majority of the Israelis are indeed fetishists or their urine tastes like Formula Pee. We're not sure who Brit Olam's lead candidate was, but we're sure he'll enjoy a fruitful run as Israeli Prime Minister should he keep his penchant for delivering poolside golden showers in his pants.

Urine For A Treat

There were many wonderful candy choices for Tweet Pee growing up. Fun Dip, Nerds, and of course yellow life savers were always heavy on the mind of his sweet tooth. All of those tasty treats came in distinctly different packages, but each one seemed to make sense for the deliciousness they dispensed. Life savers came in a roll, Fun dip in the packet with the stick, and Nerds had the two seperate chambers filled with crunchy, candy goodness.

Common sense seemed to reign supreme in the commercial design world when it came to containing precious bits of sugar-coated goodness, but still something wasn't right. The Royal we couldn't help but feel that there was still room for improvement. It wasn't until today that Tweet Pee realized exactly what was missing in the confectionery cosmos.


Luckily, someone figured out the great packaging mystery that has plagued the Sweets Universe for all this time. Who knows, if it weren't for the folks at Nifty Candy we, as a society, might have never figured out that we should be enjoying sour liquid candy with tangy lemon flavor from an actual urine specimen jar. Praise the lord, Tweet Pee has seen the light.


The golden liquid is not the only option being offered as part of their line of Medicinal Candy. Also available in the former pee pods are colorful and yummy kidney stones, cure-all candy pills, and the overtly therapeutic "Sour Spanks Jelly Beans."

If enjoying a stream sample in a jar is not your thing, then urine luck. You can have your pick of bodily fluids litter and enjoy samples of saccharine-heavy saliva, honeyed hemoglobin, and of course, even more candied pee as part of the company's "Crime Scene Candy." Mmm...Mmmm...maybe.



Via Nerd Approved

Tweet Pee's Lyrical Flow: Public Enemy

"I urinated on the state, while I was kickin' this song."

Chuck D of Public Enemy- "By The Time I Get To Arizona"
from the Album Apocalypse 91...The Enemy Strikes Black

Urine The Movies: Cheech & Chong's Next Movie