Favorite Things Friday: Swimming pools

With the official start of summer fast approaching Tweet Pee has been busy conducting an official survey of his local recreation spots to find out where in his neighborhood he'll be able to spell r-e-l-i-e-f when the weather gets unbearably hot. In this case "relief" has a double meaning. There's nothing Tweet Pee loves to do in the summer time than to slowly inch himself into this Friday's Favorite Thing...a swimming pool.

Yes, swimming pools provide a welcome respite from the unbearable lightness and hotness of the center of our solar system better known as "Big Fire Thing," but while the rest of our body can't wait to feel the cooling, soothing touch of aquatic velvet, sometimes our junk begs to differ. Only when Tweet Pee and countless others fight off the fear of genitalia submersion can he truly be free to enjoy swimming pools.

While cooling off is all well and good, another benefit of the swimming pool is that its really the only place, with the exception of the ocean and other natural bodies of water, where one can urinate in public with others looking on. While the ocean is a great big receptacle for all sorts of waste, whether it be toxic or just natural anemone urine (a.k.a the peach nectar of the sea); the swimming pool is a placid man-made body of water that not only fulfills your sick fetish for sneakily having your friends bathe in your own waste, but it is also devoid of sharks that bite and sneaky parasites that can swim up your pee-hole and ruin the rest of your life.

So if you're looking to spread some sprinkle this summer, better not pick a place where you'll be in danger of risking life and your fifth limb. Head on over to a swimming pool and warm it up a few degrees with your pees.

Pee-lice Blotter: It Smells Like Skunk, Deer

Tweet Pee knows where urine comes from. It comes from the bladders of all god's creatures with the exception of those creatures without bladders that are most certainly the alien beings that L. Ron Hubbard referred to as non-urinating thetans. Beyond that Tweet Pee knows that he is always able get urine from himself and other domesticated animals that one might keep handy in a home like a guinea pig, Velociraptor, or common house cat for the odd occasion he just might need to use it to mark his territory.

While siphoning the waste of your pets to make a statement is all well and good, Tweet Pee questions anyone who would go above and beyond the call of duty to seek out the urine of more elusive animals who aren't readily available in a cage or on display at the local state fair. Rather than go for the homemade approach for the classic senior prank, five graduating students of Kansas's Ell-Saline High School went the gourmet route, giving their school faculty and fellow students an olfactory thrill by dousing their alma-mater with a wasteful and aromatic flow of skunk and deer.

Needless to say, the smell probably didn't remind anyone of roses and it most certainly would not have made for a pleasant environment to take finals. As a result the school was closed until someone bought Glade plug-ins. Though that kind of tomfoolery can sometimes result in a pat on the back and a hearty exclamation of, "good one" more often than not someone ends up frowning in the general direction of the merry brand of pranksters. In this case, the frown was accompanied by charges of vandalism and said pranksters were arrested. All's well that ends well.

Urine The Movies: Dumb and Dumber