The Life and Streams of Tweet Pee

Shame On You, Juggalos!

2010-08-16T09:43:00.000-07:00

Tweet Pee loves going to concerts, though sometimes outdoor festivals give him the heebie jeebies on account that he'll most likely have to unleash his waste stream of consciousness in the stench centers known as port-a-potties.

Usually Tweet Pee looks for an alternative tract of nature reserve to let the remaining bladder blasts sufficiently fertilize some blades of grass. It's certainly an excusable and preferable option to being trapped in a god-forsaken plastic room that, given the wrong crowd, would be deemed easily tippable.

That sort of crowd was on hand for this year's 10th Annual Gathering of the Juggalos, which took place this past weekend in Hardin County, Illinois and featured awesome events like performances by the likes of Warren G and Vanilla Ice to go along with late night drunken, Flashlight wrestling. However, when a whole lot of awesome is unleashed on one site it's a usually a safe bet that a few thousand rotten apples will probably spoil the good time.

Such was the case when the supremely-talented (read "seriously annoying but still somehow relevant") Tila Tequila took the stage to sing her aptly-titled new single "I Fucked the DJ." The few aforementioned rotten apples took this performance as an opportunity to not only hurl rocks and bottles at the pint-sized MySpace starlet, but they also flung feces in Ms. Tequila's general direction.

Tweet Pee can think of a few disgusting things, but none more than the taste of fecal matter in one's mouth. That is not where the disgust ends. In fact, there are several levels of disgust in this entire equation:

Disgust level 1: Tila Tequila was booked to perform her single entitled "I Fucked the DJ"

Disgust level 2: The violent nature of the attack on Ms. Tequila, untalented as she may be. People actually picked up feces and flung it at someone, thereby proving our evolutionary descent from simian beings.

Disgust level 3: It was reported that the fecal matter thrown was also mixed in with urine, as both had been soaked into a watermelon. Well, Tweet Pee has heard some heinous things in his time, but ruining a delicious fruit of mother nature such as a watermelon with bodily waste is not one of them. The good earth has plenty of places for us to lay our waste and fertilize the land. Fruit was made for eating, or soaking in vodka and then eating. This stewing of deliciousness in bodily waste (as precious as our own urine) is something Tweet Pee finds abhorrent.

As is the case, Tweet Pee is totally turned off by this blatant misuse of both urine and nature and shan't be attending next year's "Gathering of the Juggalos" even if it is promised that he'll make 10 new best friends and Sweet Sugar Slam guarantees him sexual favors and a performance by Snow.

Oh, The Places I Go: Brooklyn Bowl

2010-08-12T22:11:00.000-07:00

Tweet Pee was pretty sure being invited to a place called Brooklyn Bowl would be the perfect opportunity to relaunch his labor of love to all things related to latrine and stream.
After all, what better way to celebrate the act of urination than to visit an establishment named after his favortie borough and his favorite place of piss-ness (he'd have picked urinals but for the splashback).

Upon his arrival, Tweet Pee was in for a rude awakening. Brooklyn Bowl was not a public forum where one could flush their waste along with one's inhibitions right down the toilet. It was merely a spot for knocking over some pins, chugging a few beers and then letting it flow in a substantially more private setting upstairs.

While Tweet Pee was a little disappointed over the lack of openness in terms of bodily functions at Brooklyn Bowl, at least he got to use the Brooklyn Bowl.

Pee News: Mouth to Pee Theater

2010-06-02T22:10:00.000-07:00

Tweet Pee isn't really the type who goes outside his comfort zone when it comes to letting it flow like a river. He doesn't unleash the pelvic watergun for reasons of fetishistic delight either. Tweet Pee fancies urinals, toilets, back alleys and the great outdoors when it comes to painting the town yellow.

That's not to say he doesn't get kick out of the occasional odd urinal. Lord knows he's seen a few in his day, but none that he'd say were capable of making a controversial splash, lest you were referring to an unpleasant ricochet off a urinal containing god knows how many other people's urine.

However, some patrons of Hamilton, Ontario's The Honest Lawyer eatery aren't as open-minded as ol' Tweet Pee. Seems they've got the holes in their boxer-briefs all buttoned up over a few silly tinkle receptacles shaped like those Twizzler lips from way back when.

Now, nobody seemed so pissed off when those things were biting up phallic licorice sticks in the 80's, but relieve yourself in one and all of the sudden we've got a full-fledged hullabaloo on our hopefully dry hands.

The stream catchers inspired an anti-lip loo campaign that gained stream when 1,100 fans of boring ol' urinals, including the city's mayor and Ontario's NDP (whatever that means), used the archaic method of letter-writing to let their uptight verbal diarrhea spew forth from their fountain pens, arguing that people peeing in these urinals was offensive to women.

Tweet Pee would like to say, "stop thinking so hard!" Not only was this assumption that every man just going to take a pee was intentionally defiling women an ignorant exercise in trying to see the worst; it's predicated on the supposition that most men actually care where his bladder may blast.

Beyond a laugh and a smirk at the creative use of urinal space, whether you give a man a trough, a mouth or plain ol' porcelain; he'll only see one thing– a bulls-eye.

Favorite Things Friday: Swimming pools

2010-05-20T22:43:00.000-07:00

With the official start of summer fast approaching Tweet Pee has been busy conducting an official survey of his local recreation spots to find out where in his neighborhood he'll be able to spell r-e-l-i-e-f when the weather gets unbearably hot. In this case "relief" has a double meaning. There's nothing Tweet Pee loves to do in the summer time than to slowly inch himself into this Friday's Favorite Thing...a swimming pool.

Yes, swimming pools provide a welcome respite from the unbearable lightness and hotness of the center of our solar system better known as "Big Fire Thing," but while the rest of our body can't wait to feel the cooling, soothing touch of aquatic velvet, sometimes our junk begs to differ. Only when Tweet Pee and countless others fight off the fear of genitalia submersion can he truly be free to enjoy swimming pools.

While cooling off is all well and good, another benefit of the swimming pool is that its really the only place, with the exception of the ocean and other natural bodies of water, where one can urinate in public with others looking on. While the ocean is a great big receptacle for all sorts of waste, whether it be toxic or just natural anemone urine (a.k.a the peach nectar of the sea); the swimming pool is a placid man-made body of water that not only fulfills your sick fetish for sneakily having your friends bathe in your own waste, but it is also devoid of sharks that bite and sneaky parasites that can swim up your pee-hole and ruin the rest of your life.

So if you're looking to spread some sprinkle this summer, better not pick a place where you'll be in danger of risking life and your fifth limb. Head on over to a swimming pool and warm it up a few degrees with your pees.

Pee-lice Blotter: It Smells Like Skunk, Deer

2010-05-17T21:23:00.000-07:00

Tweet Pee knows where urine comes from. It comes from the bladders of all god's creatures with the exception of those creatures without bladders that are most certainly the alien beings that L. Ron Hubbard referred to as non-urinating thetans. Beyond that Tweet Pee knows that he is always able get urine from himself and other domesticated animals that one might keep handy in a home like a guinea pig, Velociraptor, or common house cat for the odd occasion he just might need to use it to mark his territory.

While siphoning the waste of your pets to make a statement is all well and good, Tweet Pee questions anyone who would go above and beyond the call of duty to seek out the urine of more elusive animals who aren't readily available in a cage or on display at the local state fair. Rather than go for the homemade approach for the classic senior prank, five graduating students of Kansas's Ell-Saline High School went the gourmet route, giving their school faculty and fellow students an olfactory thrill by dousing their alma-mater with a wasteful and aromatic flow of skunk and deer.

Needless to say, the smell probably didn't remind anyone of roses and it most certainly would not have made for a pleasant environment to take finals. As a result the school was closed until someone bought Glade plug-ins. Though that kind of tomfoolery can sometimes result in a pat on the back and a hearty exclamation of, "good one" more often than not someone ends up frowning in the general direction of the merry brand of pranksters. In this case, the frown was accompanied by charges of vandalism and said pranksters were arrested. All's well that ends well.

Urine The Movies: Dumb and Dumber

2010-05-17T12:22:00.000-07:00

The Most Pee-ceful Place On Earth

2010-02-09T17:18:00.000-08:00

Greetings Com-pee-triots! I, Tweet Pee, would like to sincerely apologize for my lengthy hiatus from this here blog and from my tweeting pee-sponsiblities. I hope no one is too pissed off to accept me back into their hearts and restrooms.

You might think my absence from the Internet was for purely selfish reasons and maybe it was, but I fear that I had lost my connection to the natural act of urination. It had become solely a means to the end that was this largely unsuccessful web venture instead of just one of my natural processes. I needed a clear mind, a pure heart, and a recently emptied bladder if I was going to go back to square one and rediscover the inner taker of number ones within.

While most folks are just content to just do the "master cleanse" and start anew, Tweet Pee sought sanctuary in the wilderness and water closets of the Far East. After months of holding it in at the behest of some of the sagest bathroom attendants in all of the land, Tweet Pee finally came to achieve total and utter inner peace when he reached the most pee-ceful place on earth, a.k.a. the restroom of a Healthland Spa in Bangkok, Thailand.

The serene accompaniment of soothing music mixed in with the sound of flowing water and the sight of plant life flourishing, left Tweet Pee filled with the joie de vivre one feels when one has a suitable epiphany. At the site of those standing porcelain gods, Tweet Pee let the river flow as if it had been dammed up for a thousand years. That true feeling of relief was a rebirth for both Tweet Pee and this blog.

So it is with great pride and a renewed vigor that Tweet Pee relaunches "The Life and Streams of Tweet Pee" in the hopes you will follow along and show reverence to this most basic of bodily functions. Stay tuned for a virtual babbling brook of bloggery.

Pee Politics: Pee The People!

2009-09-15T12:42:00.000-07:00

As a red-blooded, yellow-urined American, Tweet Pee is well aware there are some Americans that are worth showering with golden bodily fluid and some that you wouldn't even give the time of day even if it were with an alarm-clock that squirted pee in your eye to wake you up rather than blasting your favorite Spanish-language radio station at 6 in the morning.

Looks like some members of the government are on the very same page. Rep. Pete Stark (D-California) made it more than apparent that one particular pissed off individual in particular was not worthy of being pissed on by his elected-ness.

After being berated by a crotchety old member of the government-provided health care opposition, who just so happened to end his diatribe by asking the Congressmen to not to pee on his leg and tell him it's raining, Stark alerted the old man that perhaps he best check his depends or look for cumulo-nimbus clouds, because the old man and his misinformed rhetoric didn't deserve the dignity usually reserved for esteemed urine receptacles. Or if you want the layman's version: He layed the smack down.

Now Tweet Pee doesn't usually condone not wanting to pee on elderly folk, but since Urine is a renewable source of water we do realize like Rep. Stark, that letting it go to waste on some poor old man who has absolutely no idea what he is talking about isn't really worthwhile, especially when it can be used as drinking water on the space station.

Outpeed and Out-Tweeted

2009-05-18T16:07:00.000-07:00

Tweet Pee likes to think of himself as the most prolific tweeter/peer/waster of time in the Tweeting universe, but since taking a lengthy hiatus and frankly tiring of the twittersphere, a new device just might out-doo him.

The folks over at Toronto's Hacklab have hatched a plan and subsequently rigged a device to let you know just when they're done doing their duty at their home base of bowel movements and golden rain.

While they might not necessarily out-pee the Tweet Pee, they've certainly got the upper hand on reporting it. Kudos to them and their obvious wealth of laptop equipment. I hope they get a toilet paper sponsor out of this. Ok, I'm going to go drink a lot of fluids and whizz to my heart's content.

Via Gizmodo

Parks and Rec-Pee-ation

2009-05-15T11:41:00.000-07:00

It seems only natural that one would long to release some of their god-given golden fluids into the prized bosom of one of our nation's most cherished parks and nature reserves. After all, what is mother nature if not the "old"-est and most "faithful" urinal of them all? Unfortunately the, in Tweet Pee's opinion, entirely too civilized folks at Yellowstone Park disagree. They have no problem with bears moving their bowels in the woods, but when two concession employees decided to unleash their natural geyser of sorts into the wonder that is Old Faithful, the park's management threw a pissy fit.

The decision to not use the proper pee receptacle ultimately got the two violators shit-canned seeing as they were caught on a webcam. One of the violators, a 23-year old man, also got slapped with a hefty $750 fine (in this economy?) in addition to being placed on three years of unsupervised probation for urinating, being off trail in a restricted area and taking items from the area. Talk about getting a tough break for doing what comes naturally. If Tweet Pee had the money, he'd pay your fine Mr. Friend to Mother Nature. We support your decision to not waste water and we also frown on Yellowstone's waste of excess energy by employing said webcam.

It's So Easy Peeing Green

2009-03-17T13:16:00.000-07:00

Tweet Pee wanted to wish you all a Happy St. Patrick's Day. Drink plenty of green beer. If it turns your flow into a Green River...send a picture sans junk to TweetPee@gmail.com and he'll display it on the site. You won't win anything just Tweet Pee's eternal respect. Who knows though, one day when this site is huge, maybe Tweet Pee's eternal respect will be worth something.

A word to the wise though...If you just so happen to pee green without the aid of food coloring you may have a urinary tract infection and Tweet Pee suggests that you go see a doctor.

Urine The Movies: Billy Madison

2009-03-16T07:15:00.000-07:00

Tweet Pee apologizes for the poor movie quzlity, it's all he could find on youtube.

Favorite Things Friday: Ice Cube Trays

2009-03-13T09:23:00.001-07:00

Tweet Pee has never strayed from a little mischief. There was that time in grade school when he set his school on fire and that other time in pre-school when he set his teacher on fire. Tweet Pee really got into it in those early days. As Tweet Pee grew older though his high jinks transformed from pranks dealing with his disdain for authority into shenanigans that made other people look stupid but made him laugh heartily. With his tomfoolery trending in such a direction, Tweet Pee discovered the magic of his favorite thing this Friday, The Ice Cube Tray.

The Ice Cube Tray just so happens to be the crucial component in the trick that Tweet Pee happens to enjoy pulling out at parties most frequently. Often times while attending a bash at a house other than his own, Tweet Pee will snag the tray from the freezer and make his way to the bathroom. Seeing as he is a master of fleet footedness and covert operations, rarely does he ever have a problem sneaking the yellow hued ice-to-be into the freezer. The result is shock and eww as partygoers soon realize (or don't until someone sends an email about it) just what is that cool stink in their fresh drink. And it was all made possible by the magic of Ice Cube Trays...Tweet Pee's favorite thing for this Friday.

Oh, The Places I Go: Coyote Ugly

2009-03-12T11:45:00.000-07:00

Tweet Pee has had a busy week hitting the town and attempting to dye it's water supply yellow. You'll have to excuse him for lagging behind on his updates. The first stop on this weeks' Tour De Flow was a bar so popular, they sort of made a movie about it. At least they used the name of the bar as the movie title. That movie and that bar of course are known as Coyote Ugly.

It wasn't long after downing a few Pabst Blue Brews that Tweet Pee found himself sauntering off to the little big boys room. It was just like he had last remembered it. It was dirty, wet, and wreaked of urine. He skipped the urinal on account that it seemed as though there were pools of mixed urine inside and splashback could be lethal if not deadly, instead opting for the somewhat more sanitary bowl.

While Tweet Pee has no idea what sort of germs may have adhered themselves to the bottom of his shoes, he felt much more relieved after having stepped out of the bathroom than having stepped in.

Celibri-pee Gossip: Since You've Been Goin'...In The Shower

2009-03-11T08:56:00.000-07:00

It's none too often that Tweet Pee finds his somewhat puerile mind delving into the shower habits of the stars, but every once in awhile he likes to imagine Kelly Clarkson's dynamite singing voice cutting through the mist of a steam filled wash room with the words to "Since You've Been Gone" melodically blaring through the surrounding rooms.

In Tweet Pee's vision he never saw beyond the curtains, because, let's face it, a star's business is their own business. Unfortunately, the TMI gods at OK! Magazine (via Blender) had to go and sully the pristine image of the only American Idol winner to do something with her life by reporting that lil "Miss Independent" doesn't only like to sing in the shower, but that she's also too lazy to make it to the commode at times and often lets #1 loose in the place where she lathers and rinses.

Tweet Pee is now conflicted over his admiration over the music star. On one hand, he'll always love her voice, but on the other hand he would never use her shower.

Soccer Stars: They're Just Like Us

2009-03-10T11:13:00.000-07:00

Just like Tweet Pee, International Soccer Stars get annoyed when they're asked to give daily urine samples to scientists who try to then use the pee portion to discover ways to improve their on-pitch performance. Who knew? If Tweet Pee had a dollar for every time he was irked by some nerdy scientist at the Carrington training ground angling a cup in the bushes to catch his piss, he'd be one rich blogger, which means he'd have two things in common with Cristiano Ronaldo and Wayne Rooney, who just so happen to be the peeved players in question.

Tweet Pee feels your pain guys. You don't need your pee analyzed to improve your play and neither does Tweet Pee. SOLIDARITY!

Oh, The Places I Go: Merc Bar

2009-03-10T10:48:00.000-07:00

Tweet Pee is all class, so much so that every once in awhile he'll find himself in a classy establishment such as Merc Bar in the Soho region of Manhattan York City. It was quite the occasion when he finally strolled into the restroom at this classy joint. Tweet Pee was slightly shocked to find that such upscale institution of higher partying did not employ a washroom attendant, but hey, times are tough and supposed cutbacks make it slightly less awkward for Tweet Pee to take photos of his place of business. With less company on hand Tweet Pee gladly took a much needed whizz or two all over the urinal of his choice, which just so happened to be the only urinal in the joint. Despite the slim pickins, Tweet Pee experienced no difficulty in dispensing his number 1 favorite bodily fluid at the proper site for doing so in this environment aimed at the affluend, where the cheapest beer option cost a reasonable (cough) $8.

Oh, The Places I Go: Hugs

2009-03-10T10:35:00.000-07:00

Tweet Pee enjoys frequenting delightful places. Sometimes said places have delightful names as well. This is the case with Hugs, located on North 6th St. in the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn. While Tweet Pee certainly would not characterize the toilet area of Hugs as similarly delightful, meaning he would offer it a full body embrace, it wasn't half bad if a little cramped. The toilet basin (if that's what it's called) also had an indecipherable message written inside of it. Actually, it was probably decipherable, Tweet Pee just didn't feel like taking the time by sticking his head in the bowl to get a closer look. This should sound perfectly reasonable to you.

Urine The Movies: Austin Powers International Man of Mystery

2009-03-09T10:20:00.000-07:00

Favorite Things Friday: Snow

2009-03-06T10:04:00.000-08:00

With temperatures temporarily up after this past week's wintry weather, spring is fast approaching. It seems that there will be precious few, if any, opportunity for Tweet Pee to further indulge in the joys of his favorite thing this Friday...SNOW. Snow is much more than a Canadian Reggae artist from the 1990's, it's also a wonderful medium for writing one's own name when lacking a pen and paper or flag to mark your territory should you be trying to at the moment claim an icy expanse for self or country.

Not all surfaces are ideal for this practice as peeing on grass or dirt is usually absorbed in a way that fails to tell people who you are or what you've done there. Peeing on snow really allows your true colors to shine and for that it is this Friday's Favorite thing. Now if only we could get one more layer of fresh powder before March fades out like a lamb.

Oh The Places I Go: Tea Lounge

2009-03-05T14:55:00.000-08:00

When Tweet Pee woke up this morning, the first thing he did was turn on his computer to get started on work for the day. Actually, the first thing he did was turn off his pleasant alarm ring tone and then he opened up his computer to start work for the day.

Unfortunately, there was something amiss with the Internet connection in Tweet Pee's place of residence. This forced him to take his business elsewhere, that elsewhere was the Tea Loune on Union Street Between 6th and 7th avenue in Park Slope. The music was loud, but not as invasive as it normally is there and there were also fewer unsupervised children, making for a relatively pleasant stay. In the midst of two steaming cups of Jasmine Green Tea, Tweet Pee saw fit to use the facilities within his temporary office.

The room itself was dim, smelly, and cold with a brick facade. Though it was not terribly unclean. Tweet Pee doesn't know who was in their before him but they did a good job stinking up the joint. That being said, he still wound up putting his sunshine stream through their indoor plumbing. The relief Tweet Pee felt allowed him to thoughtlessly work away for the next several hours making for a relatively productive afternoon.

Oh The Places I Go: Bar 1020

2009-03-05T14:18:00.000-08:00

Tweet Pee is always on the "go". Well, not always, that could get messy. Last night Tweet Pee went pretty far north to the Morningside Heights section of Manhattan for a date with a lady at Bar 1020. The establishment was thick with intellectual Columbia University types speaking regurgitating the day's lectures casually over beer, but Tweet Pee only had two things on his mind...the member of the fairer sex in front of him and the john. While the jury's still out on whether the date when swimmingly, there was no doubt that the trip to the bathroom was a success.
Upon entering the restroom Tweet Pee had 2 choices (3 if you count the sink) of urine receptacle. One was a urinal which would have caused his junk to be in plain view seeing as there was no working lock on the door and a toilet at which he could clearly shield himself from anyone playing pool outside who might be hankering for a peak. Seeing as Tweet Pee is a tad self conscious, he went with the latter choice.

When all was said and done Tweet Pee had drank a few beers, tinkled twice and went his separate ways with the friendly lady. Prior to hopping in the subway he had a huge slice of pizza that seemed to be double the size of his face, but only went for $3.25. What a bargain.

March Poll: Songs in The Key of Pee

2009-03-05T07:14:00.000-08:00

Tweet Pee has been slacking for a couple of days, but it's been a well deserved layoff as he's been bringing you loyal readers the latest in Urination for some time now and sometimes he just needs to hold it in. Now it's back to the task at hand. As promised, although a couple days late, here is the next poll question that will be living in the upper left hand corner of the site for the duration of the month. So without any further ado.

What is your favorite song about Urination?

"The Safety Dance"- Men Without Hats

"Yellow"- Coldplay

"Piss On The Wall"- The J. Geils Band

"Don't Eat The Yellow Snow" - Frank Zappa

"Right Here Waiting"- Richard Marx

Celibri-pee Gossip: Brad Pitt Loomed Over At London Loo

2009-03-03T20:32:00.000-08:00

Tweet Pee has a riddle for you. What's tall, famous and can't seem to "go" in peace? If you guessed Dolph Lundgren in the 1990 film I Come In Peace, you'd be wrong. The answer is none other than international film sensation, the masculine half of the most famous couple in the world and Kickapoo High School's favorite grad, Brad Pitt.

Apparently Benjamin Button himself was recently at a pub in the Soho section of London, when the Oscar-nominated actor got up to take a leak in the loo. (Stars, they're just like us!) Unfortunately, on his way to the W.C. , the adoptive father of Angelina Jolie's matronly ambitions found himself swarmed by six awe-ful fans who proceeded to shuffle after him as he made his way to paint the town's water supply yellow.

Tweet Pee isn't sure what the moral of this story is. Maybe it's that if you become famous, you should always be equipped with a catheter to avoid awkward bathroom moments on the town or maybe it's that the act of urination is only remotely interesting when celebrities do it...or on try #3 it could be that privacy should always be extended as a common courtesy whenever someone no matter who is relieving oneself. Tweet Pee is sticking with that last one.

So remember readers, even if you see someone as famous as Scott Baio heading into a urinal, do not follow them. Pee Time is "Me Time" and certainly not your time.

February Pee Poll Results

2009-03-02T12:01:00.000-08:00

Tweet Pee likes to be in touch with his readers. He doesn't like to touch his readers...they can touch themselves, but in an effort to really get a feel for the interests of those who peruse the contents of The Life and Streams (or as he likes to call it TLASOTP) Tweet Pee decided that he should post a reader poll. After nearly an entire month sitting in the upper left hand corner of the site that poll has finally closed and now Tweet Pee is set to reveal the final results of the all important question he posed to his readers, the question that asked, "What is your preferred method of Urination?"

Well the votes have been tallied and according to the results 50% of people prefer to pee in the pool when no one is looking. Tweet Pee is absolutely shocked that this method won out over more traditional ways of releasing urine such as "standing up" or "in a bathtub with a midwife" but the results speak for themselves. Tweet Pee is not sure whether the sample size of eight participants is enough to turn this poll into a valid scientific study. We'll have to check with New England Journal of Medicine or Psychology Today and we'll get back to you when we do. In the meantime, to make this appear like a legitimate study, Tweet Pee has taken great pains to make a chart using a real computer program.

Oh The Places I Go: Streaming Weekend Recap

2009-03-02T11:42:00.000-08:00

Tweet Pee went all over the place this weekend, but he managed to keep his flow under control. Three new sites were added to Tweet Pee's ever growing field guide to the places he streams. Two of the bathrooms in question were in private residences.

On Friday night Tweet Pee ventured out to an apartment party in Nolita or wherever Elizabeth Street north of Grand is considered to be. It's a netherworld between Little Italy and China town. The apartment had two sparkling restrooms but since there were people doing various drugs in another of the restrooms Tweet Pee stuck to the one unencumbered by flared nostrils.

The following evening Tweet Pee returned to his old stomping grounds at the Parkside lounge but waited until he hit the Mercury Lounge where he took in a rock show, before painting the town yellow not once, but twice. Afterwords it was right back to Parkside where Tweet Pee didn't bother to photographic evidence of the toilet since it had previously been procured.

The weekend didn't end there as the next day Tweet Pee went to his familial home in the suburbs for a lovely meal with Momma Tweet Pee. Before returning to the big city though, Tweet Pee made sure to visit the restroom of his youth. The only difference was that the wallpaper and toilet he had a brief love affair with tinkling all over as a child had been replaced by tiling and a decidedly newer model of commode, further proof that things change. Oh well. Stay tuned for more places I go and exclusive urinary news from Tweet Pee.

Urine The Movies: The Program

2009-03-02T07:01:00.000-08:00

Fridays Favorite Things: Fire Hoses

2009-02-27T09:40:00.000-08:00

Tweet Pee is constantly attempting to rescue people from burning buildings. However, he does not do this by running inside flame-riddled domiciles in hopes of finding any living, breathing thing to carry out over his shoulders. Tweet Pee merely races to the site of said inferno -once the Fire Chief projects the instantly recognizable Tweet Pee symbol- in the hopes of arriving before the local engine ladder company, so that he may begin urinating on the edifice in question.

Tweet Pee tries to douse the flames with his whiz, but often withdraws at the onset of any uncomfortable warmth in his pecker region. Luckily, by the time this dangerous heat begins to be felt, the local fire precinct has most likely arrived leaving Tweet Pee to zip up and withdraw at the behest of the real heroes, the men who so bravely wield the Fire Hoses...Tweet Pee's favorite thing this Friday.

The deploying of a fire hose is more or less a scale recreation of an urgent six hour delay between trips to drain the weasel. While the force from a fire hose can knock a man off of his feet, often times a long spell without urination can cause a man to use a wall in order to brace himself for the process of bladder emptying. Sure a long delayed-piss can't put out a large scale building fire, but it can certainly put a damper on a blaze lit by camping enthusiasts.

However, with the existence of fire hoses, Tweet Pee has little reason to risk life and "limb" by participating in the act of dousing dangerous blazes. And any invention that insures Tweet Pee's member will remain a valuable and useful member of society has to be one of Tweet Pee's Favorite Things.

Pee-lice Blotter: Don't Do The Dew

2009-02-26T10:39:00.000-08:00

While the Indian public are gearing up to enjoy their cow piss sodie pop, not everyone in the world is eager to voluntarily imbibe carbonated beverages containing blasts of bladder juice. That, however, did not stop two students at Connecticut's Hartford Union High School from serving up scandalous sipping samples containing natural leakage to two trusting and thirsty pupils at one of the school's recent basketball games.

After carrying out the repugnant practical joke the offending parties sent out an email notifying the student body just who weased the juice. Unfortunately, that email ended up in the inbox of an administrator and the two students were then arrested.

Sadly, that's where the flow of information ends. Tweet Pee is currently unaware if the two offending parties are Chinese or if they told a joke before carrying out the prank. If we find out more, we'll let you know.

Scientific Pee-Search: Are Urinals The New Flower Pots?

2009-02-25T07:17:00.000-08:00

It's not a rare occurrence for human beings to go whizzing in the woods while on a camping trip or in an emergency on the side of the road, but it's not as if when we do so we express even the slightest concern for the life of the plant we inevitably go on. We're more concerned with accidentally brushing our genitalia on Poison Sumac or hoping a ravenous animal doesn't attack our nether regions in the process. As it turns out, our lack of worry for our natural leafy surroundings in such a situation may indeed be justified.

Apparently the phosphorus and nitrogen in our pee may actually help plants grow. Some Swiss folk have even come up with a "biological waste treatment process" to remove these two elements from golden flow in order to use it as fertilizer. This finding has also inspired an art installation entitled drinkpeedrinkpeedrinkpee, which takes a look at our ability to convert urine into houseplant fertilizer or even drinking water. The creatives behind the project, Britta Riley and Rebecca Bray, have since unleashed a DIY Fertilizer kit on their project page.

Tweet Pee is currently more interested in drinking his own tap water, but thinks such a kit might come in handy if he's ever trapped under a bookcase after an earthquake and can't reach the faucet.

via BoingBoing

Oh The Places I Go: Two For Tuesday

2009-02-24T07:47:00.001-08:00

Life's been a little busy for Tweet Pee as of late. He's been slacking in his mission to show you some of the finest Pee spots in all of NYC. The past few days saw two new entrants into the Urinal Hall of Fame.

The first place Tweet Pee spelled relief on Saturday evening was at Brownstone Billiards/Oceans 8 on Flatbush Ave. in Park Slope. The bathroom had two urinals, including one on the short side. Though I didn't have to get on my tippy toes for the tall one, being a not-so-tall person himself Tweet Pee showed solidarity with his below average height brethren and whizzed it up at the low set latrine.

It wasn't until Monday when Tweet Pee took in the Best Picture-winning Slumdog Millionaire at the Pavilion Theater off of Prospect Park that he found himself at yet another unfamiliar urinal. There were three of those and two stalls that he found upon entry and seeing as the door to the Men's room did not close very well, Tweet Pee found himself shuffling through the narrow space to the second urinal so that his best friend (seeing as he doesn't have a dog) could not be seen by bathroom passers by. It was a tight fit, but Tweet Pee and his Pee Pee passed with flying colors before taking in the excellent film.

Sorry to leave all of my eager readers hanging. We know you've been thirsty for more Tweet Pee news and there's not enough toilet water to tide you over. It won't happen again.

Urine The Movies: Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

2009-02-23T07:36:00.000-08:00

Update: Urine Luck...Barry Bonds!

2009-02-20T08:52:00.000-08:00

It seems like just yesterday Tweet Pee was boasting of the busted-ness of Baseball Star Barry Bonds thanks to the seal being broken on Federal Records seized from BALCO way back in 2003. The records seemed to indicate that Bonds' pee was not exactly roid-free.

Despite the incriminating scent emanating from his urine samples, a judge ruled yesterday that "Exhibit P" in the Bonds' case was as good as flushed. Claiming the Steroid Slugger's stream samples as inadmissible evidence due to the fact that prosecutors were not able to conclusively show that they belonged to Bonds, U.S. district court judge Susan Illston threw the baby (or in this case the urine) out with the bathwater (or in this case, the toilet water). She also threw out the potential use of doping calendars (exhibit Q) maintained by Bonds' trainer Greg Anderson...meaning that in order to nail the mercurial SuperAsshole Athlete, Bonds' trainer himself would have to testify...which is unlikely.

The whole thing seems to put a damper (pun always intended) on the idea of seeing Bonds behind bars for lying to a grand jury, seeing as there is no perm(p)issible evidence. Oh well, so much for that.

Favorite Things Friday: Water Guns

2009-02-20T07:36:00.000-08:00

Long ago Tweet Pee vowed that it was time to put away childish things. Fortunately, when he put them away he stored them in a bin labeled "childish things' just in case he felt like picking them back up again. If you visited that storage area right now you'd be able to find at least four different incarnations of today's topic for Friday's Favorite things, The Water Gun.

Yes, not only is a water gun the perfect toy to excite children about the prospect of potentially going to war when they get older, but unleashing that deadly flow from a super soaker bears an uncanny resemblance to the sort of action one gets after being stuck on three hour car ride and finally making it to the bathroom to drain one's bladder. The pump action release turns a plastic toy into a howitzer, much like your pee-pee awaiting a long delayed whiz.

The results are more or less frozen ropes of liquid that can tag a target at 20 yards. Both are weapons of mass soak action. Though after long car rides Tweet Pee does not recommend trying to hit a moving human target with your bladder stream. You'll probably get your ass kicked. Stick to the bowl/urinal...and for simulating the urgent flow, stick to the water gun, Tweet Pee's favorite thing for this Friday.

Today In History: Ozzy Remembers To Go On The Alamo

2009-02-19T08:40:00.000-08:00

Everybody has to "go" some time. Though it's certainly more interesting when super famous people do it and get in trouble for it; then it goes right down in the annals of pee history. One such historic event took place twenty-seven years ago today, when the Ozzy Osbourne (a.k.a. The Blizzard of Oz, a.k.a guy who used to bite the heads off of flying animals) breezed into to San Antonio, Texas and tinkled on it's most famous landmark.

No, the Ozzman didn't goeth on famed San Antonio native Tommy Lee Jones or the Spurs various NBA championship trophies, instead he chose to relieve himself on the building that supposedly housed Pee-Wee Herman's bike. If you haven't figured out what we're getting at...Ozzy took a whiz on The Alamo!

As the story goes, just after 11am on the morning of February 19th, 1982, the drunken Prince of Darkness himself (wearing his soon-to-be wife Sharon's dress), moseyed on over and let loose on the historic site where Santa Anna and his Mexican Army of 2,000 strong defeated the military forces of Texas back in 1836, in the most famous battle of The Texas Revolution.

The heavy metal icon was taken into police custody and he never drank again or peed again. The end. Actually that's not true. Ozzy was promptly banned from setting foot in San Antonio for the next decade. All's well that ends well though, when Ozzy finally returned he donated $10,000 to the landmark he desecrated with his bodily fluids. What a guy!

If Urine Israel, Urine For A Political Fight

2009-02-18T07:23:00.000-08:00

Israeli Politics isn't one of the topics on which Tweet Pee enjoys pontificating, mostly because he does not have a breadth of knowledge on the subject. All he knows is that there was an election recently and that they still haven't figured out who will be their next Prime Minister.

As a late comer to the carnival that is the race to control the Knesset, the only real fact that Tweet Pee has learned is that one party alone in this campaign stood up for the people's right to not get urinated on by a man on a diving board. That party was Brit Olam, or the "For Our Children Party."

Brit Olam's campaign commercial urged voters not to "let them pee on us anymore" and Tweet Pee is assuming that this message rang out loud and clear, proving wildly successful unless the majority of the Israelis are indeed fetishists or their urine tastes like Formula Pee. We're not sure who Brit Olam's lead candidate was, but we're sure he'll enjoy a fruitful run as Israeli Prime Minister should he keep his penchant for delivering poolside golden showers in his pants.

Urine For A Treat

2009-02-17T09:17:00.000-08:00

There were many wonderful candy choices for Tweet Pee growing up. Fun Dip, Nerds, and of course yellow life savers were always heavy on the mind of his sweet tooth. All of those tasty treats came in distinctly different packages, but each one seemed to make sense for the deliciousness they dispensed. Life savers came in a roll, Fun dip in the packet with the stick, and Nerds had the two seperate chambers filled with crunchy, candy goodness.

Common sense seemed to reign supreme in the commercial design world when it came to containing precious bits of sugar-coated goodness, but still something wasn't right. The Royal we couldn't help but feel that there was still room for improvement. It wasn't until today that Tweet Pee realized exactly what was missing in the confectionery cosmos.

Luckily, someone figured out the great packaging mystery that has plagued the Sweets Universe for all this time. Who knows, if it weren't for the folks at Nifty Candy we, as a society, might have never figured out that we should be enjoying sour liquid candy with tangy lemon flavor from an actual urine specimen jar. Praise the lord, Tweet Pee has seen the light.

The golden liquid is not the only option being offered as part of their line of Medicinal Candy. Also available in the former pee pods are colorful and yummy kidney stones, cure-all candy pills, and the overtly therapeutic "Sour Spanks Jelly Beans."

If enjoying a stream sample in a jar is not your thing, then urine luck. You can have your pick of bodily fluids litter and enjoy samples of saccharine-heavy saliva, honeyed hemoglobin, and of course, even more candied pee as part of the company's "Crime Scene Candy." Mmm...Mmmm...maybe.

Via Nerd Approved

Tweet Pee's Lyrical Flow: Public Enemy

2009-02-17T07:30:00.000-08:00

"I urinated on the state, while I was kickin' this song."

Chuck D of Public Enemy- "By The Time I Get To Arizona"
from the Album Apocalypse 91...The Enemy Strikes Black

Urine The Movies: Cheech & Chong's Next Movie

2009-02-16T07:45:00.000-08:00

Oh The Places I Go: Tweet Pee's Lower East Side Adventure

2009-02-16T07:43:00.000-08:00

Last night, Tweet Pee hit up the town for some serious misadventures in hitting the sauce. Luckily there was no babysitting involved. That would've been a lost cause. The first stop on Tweet Pee's Tour De Flow was Rosario's Pizza on Orchard and Stanton, where both a plain slice and a Margherita slice were scarfed down along with a small bottle of water to make Tweet Pee feel like a river and let the water overflow. Curiously, the bathroom at Rosario's had a poster of San Sebastian, Spain. While Rosario's makes some fine Italian cuisine, they don't necessarily do their part in contributing to their home country's tourism industry as Tweet Pee had the urge to stream live content from Spain afterwards.

Next up on the pee program was a move to The Annex, where Tweet Pee enjoyed some fine music courtesy the artists performing at the Poptank Records showcase. In between some excellent performances Tweet Pee made a p-line for the Men's room where he showed he was indeed a "whiz kid" and despite not having stickers like the members of Maniacal Plan who had gone before him, could urinate with the best of them.

The night wore on and Tweet Pee in friends thought to end he evening in quieter, more relaxed confines. The final destination for revelry and the emptying of wasteful fluids was none other than the Parkside Lounge on Attorney and Houston. The toilet seat at that establishment had a little too much tinkle juice on it for Tweet Pee's taste but luckily he never had to take the seated position. Instead he got to stare at more stickers advertising the awesomeness of Midnight Fistfight, Buteo, and Vivid Alt, prompting Tweet Pee to either want to look them all up later or take aim at their names.

Having to go at least three times while in the establishment, Tweet Pee also opted to try the ladies room, which he found completely lacking in advertisements. Apparently those interested in vandalism in the name of commerce believe men to be a perfect target audience. Or maybe they just hold their "going" space to be more sacred. Tweet Pee certainly understands that. Alas, the Sunday evening urinary adventure had to end sometime and thus Tweet Pee returned home to enjoy a snack and a tinkle before heading off to dreamland, fully satisfied with all the places he went.

Oh, The Places I Go: Sthree for Saturday

2009-02-14T23:25:00.000-08:00

Tweet Pee is pretty sure that based on all of the places he has been up to this point, you'd more or less be able to triangulate his position in the New York City area. In attempts to throw you off the scent, Tweet Pee decided to diversify his target destinations this fine evening. Originally, he had the full intention of declaring that indeed "Ich ein ein stockbesoffen" but instead of ending up at a German beer bar on the lower east side, he ended up at three regular bars spread out both downtown and in Brooklyn.

Tweet Pee's first alcoholic outing occurred at the Spring Lounge at 48 Spring St and Mulberry. Tweet Pee was immediately alarmed as he closed the door on this water closet, as he realized that there was no lock on the door. One person walked in on him, but the angle was not good enough for a show to take place, so the incident was followed by calm.

Following the shared incident Tweet Pee made his way to the West Village for a little bit of dinner action. Along with a solid few seconds of stream, Tweet Pee enjoyed several slices of Za at John's Pizzeria to fill his fat belly.

The evening was no bust though as Tweet Pee kept the party rollin'. His final place of pee-tronage was back in his home borough of Brooklyn. Tweet Pee found stream satisfaction at Commonwealth in Park Slope...as he thought o himself, what a wonderful world.

Oh, The Places I Go: Personal Residence- Ft. Greene

2009-02-13T21:53:00.000-08:00

Tweet Pee likes to go out on the town, but when he does it's not always at a place where an unlimited amount of civilians get to water some toilet seeds. Some times he visits friends and sometimes he empties his bladder into their bowls. Tonight was one such occasion as Tweet Pee attended a lovely dinner at a friend's house in Fort Greene.

The house in question was the rarest of animals in that it was a two bedroom, two bathroom affair. It's not often you get that sort of bedroom to bathroom ratio in New York City, but there Tweet Pee was. Luckily, Tweet Pee drank enough to have to utilize both of the johns. And wouldn't you know it, photos were snapped of both.

Favorite Things Friday: Indoor Plumbing

2009-02-13T08:17:00.000-08:00

Happy Friday everyone. As you well know, or should know by now since you've been following Tweet Pee for so long, Friday is the day where we take a look at some of our favorite things. We don't give them away like Oprah does, but that doesn't matter because most of those things are already in your possession or can be easily bought in your local grocery store.

Our favorite thing for this Friday is kind of obvious. Without it we wouldn't have a pot to piss in. Actually we would, but it would be just that, a pot. Yes, our favorite thing this Friday is none other than INDOOR PLUMBING. Without the miracle of indoor plumbing we'd all be taking whizzes out the window and soaking unsuspecting and subsequently angry passers by. Or we would have some sort of receptacle in our rooms where whenever we got the urge to splurge, one would just go in it and leave it be until the stench got so bad they tossed it out the window, soaking an unsuspecting passer by.

Even worse, without this true mark of civilization we might have to use outhouses in the dead of winter, or just use a certain wall in our homes that we designate the waste wall. Either way, it would be very unsanitary. So civilized people of the world, thank your lucky stars for indoor plumbing. Tweet Pee does every day. It's one of his favorite things.

Oh, The Places I Go: Chip Shop & Union Hall

2009-02-12T18:48:00.000-08:00

Tweet Pee had quite an eventful night as he had the pick of litter of Brooklyn establishments to lay down his leaky law.

The first stop was the Chip Shop where Tweet Pee had the pleasure of partaking of a frosty brew and a deep fried Mars bar before letting loose as a photo of the Queen herself looked on.

With arteries newly clogged and bladder freshly drained, Tweet Pee pressed on to Union Hall where he enjoyed a drink with some wonderful company and eventually had to unleash some fluid on the classy bar's lavatory.

All in all it was an accomplished evening, the kind that people who document their own urinary processes dream about...or at least think about as they're enjoying their night out.

Pee News:Urine Japan, Urine-trading, Urine Jail

2009-02-12T10:43:00.000-08:00

Tweet Pee wouldn't mind making a little money off of his Urine-related musings, but he would never physically extract that of others for a little loot on the side.

He's got better things to do like use his stopwatch to time every time he takes a whiz and scour the world wide web for pop culture pee moments. He more or less just doesn't have the time or the inclination to engage in such matters of the stream.

The same cannot be said for a man in Japan (Tweet Pee likes how that rhymes) who was nabbed by Japanese cops (are there any other kind there?) for distributing leaflets roadside to female high school students, alerting them of his intent to purchase their pee.

At the time of his arrest, the #1 enthusiast for feminine flow (see what we did there?) was carrying a conical flask and a Tupperware box to store their secretions. The leak freak told police that he got the idea when he heard a conversation between two high school girls that went as follows:

“How do you make extra money?”

“I’m selling my urine, it goes for a high price.”

And with that he was inspired. According to the previously alluded to leaflet, he was buying both bodily fluids and underwear, amongst other things, with prices ranging from ¥2,000~¥4,000. Tweet Pee isn't sure how much that is, but it's probably more than it should be, unless those teens were drinking Goldschlager with those little gold flakes.

The sick solicitor was charged with violating youth protection laws and if Tweet Pee had any grasp of the Japanese justice system, he might be able to tell you what kind of pee-nalty said offender was facing, but he can't.

Oh, The Places I Go: Brooklyn Social

2009-02-11T19:35:00.000-08:00

Tonight Tweet Pee wandered into the dimly lit confines of Brooklyn Social in Carroll Gardens for a few drinks, which ultimately led to him taking a few sprinks.

While Tweet Pee was able to keep a steady flow his hand was a little shaky when holding the camera. The result is a couple of semi-blurry photos of the most recent streaming site which did not allow for smoking in the boys room.

Pee News: India Takes The Piss Out of Cows

2009-02-11T07:48:00.000-08:00

Thanks to former Yankee Broadcaster Phil Rizzuto's frequent shouts of "Holy Cow" (and his subsequent invitations to The Money Store) Tweet Pee has long known that the Cow is a sacred animal in India. The nation's Hindu population revere their bovine benefactor so much that slaughtering anything that goes Moo (unless it's one of those string-pulling toys) is illegal, giving them the distinct disadvantage of never having sampled a succulent sirloin. Just because much of the population has never chowed on some ground chuck or bit into a Brisket, doesn't mean that they'll never experience the pleasure of golden showering themselves with the flavor of faith.

As it turns out, not all of the Cow is considered "off-limits". The Cow Protection Department of the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS), India's biggest and oldest Hindu nationalist group, has begun to brew up an apparently palatable new beverage made from Cow Urine. Allow Tweet Pee to be the first one to say, "mmm...mmm." Oh, wait a second, we meant, "yech!"

Despite our current misgivings about the release of "gau jal"(Sanskrit), or "cow water"; Om Prakash, the head of the C.P.D.R.S.S. assures the public that the drink will not smell like cow pee and will be quite flavorful. Tweet Pee will believe it when we taste it. In the meantime, Tweet Pee would also like to declare that at present the title of "Worst Job In The World" goes to the taste testers of "gau jal".

Pee News: Urine Therapy, Urine Bolivia

2009-02-10T22:48:00.000-08:00

If anyone is looking for evidence that Pee is much better for you when it's leaving your body than it is going in, Tweet Pee has the definitive proof. This past Saturday in La Paz Bolivia a woman, 35-year-old Gabriela Ascarrunz, was killed after being injected with a dose of urine. The act wasn't carried out by some heinous archvillain aimed at randomly poisoning the bloodstreams of unsuspecting victims. Word is Señora Orina De Mal (Mrs. Bad Urine, the obvious name of such a Spanish speaking supervillain) was busy hatching some other evil plan to flood the bathrooms in the Bolivian Capitol Building.

The murderous culprit was none other than Bolivian Fashion designer and Urine Therapy enthusiast, Monica Schultz. Apparently Schultz graduated from the school of Medicine that hangs out in bathrooms and asks unsuspecting users of the facilities, "are you really gonna flush that?"

According to her specific brand of alternative medicine, pee can be used for cosmetic purposes and to treat various diseases, by either rubbing on your skin, injecting it, or drinking it. While Tweet Pee's all for getting the most flow for our Euro, the idea of injecting our body's waste back into our bloodstream, just doesn't sound so smart.

Tweet Pee's Tune For Tuesday: J. Geils Band "Piss On The Wall"

2009-02-10T07:00:00.000-08:00

Tweet Pee listened to a lot of music growing up. Even though many a song blessed these ears with memorable lyrics and a catchy hook, there was but one in particular that influenced my love of implementing the golden flow on an area where it was not intended. That track was not Garbage's "Only Happy When It Rains" nor was it Coldplay's "Yellow". Those songs, while being absolutely lovely in their own right, came along too late in my musical education to be of any substantial impact in where I lay my stream to rest.
My parents had I believe ordered the J. Geils Band album, Freeze Frame from the Columbia House catalog sometime around 1981. While I absolutely adored songs one and three ("Freeze-Frame" and "Centerfold", respectively), it was the very last track that gave me my marching orders. On several occasions, with Peter Wolf's voice in my head commanding me, I unleashed my baby-snake and/or button and did his bidding as the words "Piss On The Wall," echoed through my synapses causing me to unleash a flood of urine onto the right hand wall of our family's ornate, flowery-wallpapered bathroom.

While I'd like to say I don't hear Mr. Wolf's voice ordering me around anymore, sometimes I have to go so bad with no bathroom in sight that the wall is the nearest refuge. So in honor of my undying affection for the J. Geils Band. Here's a bit of a blast from the Tweet Pee past:

Monday Movie Madness: Naked Gun

2009-02-09T07:47:00.000-08:00

Oh, The Places I Go: The House

2009-02-08T12:11:00.000-08:00

People used to tell NBA All-Star Center Shaquille O'Neal to take it to the house when they wanted to see a big play. Or maybe it was "to the hole" either way, I did my best Shaq impression today by taking one at The House, a semi-swank restaurant in Manhattan's Gramercy neighborhood. I didn't stand up at the table, unzip my pants and unleash a frozen rope straight at the floor. I had the common decency to let it flow in the bathroom for I am not a barbarian. This is that bathroom.

Oh, The Places I Go: Rope

2009-02-07T23:11:00.000-08:00

Tonight Tweet Pee headed out into the Fort Greene section of Brooklyn to take on the biggest and baddest of places that one might relieve oneself. Actually, Tweet Pee was just out for a good time and wasn't trying to take on anything. He merely wanted to have some drinks and relieve himself when he deemed it necessary, which ended up being a stout four times.

Indeed, there was some alcohol drank and a few lavatories were delved into. The chosen site for the evening's entertainment was Rope. Rope's bathroom had apparently once played host to the "Piss King" as evidenced by the grafitti on the wall, but was still a haven for those with both urinary needs and general pride in one's surroundings. All in all the acts of urination and drinking were met with mutually exclusive satisfaction, and the evening was a glaring success.

Urine The News...A-Rod!

2009-02-07T13:07:00.000-08:00

Don't look at us like that, Alex Rodriguez. You've been a bad boy. You and your urine wouldn't be in the news if you were as pure and innocent as that pee-drinking grin suggests. Though, we suppose that we sorta got the hint when you started fiddling with Madonna's pentagenarian genitalia while still married to your lovely wife.

Fresh on the heels of the shocking news that current holder of the home run crown, Barry Bonds tested pee-ositive for performance enhancing substances in 2003, it was revealed to CNNSI by four different sources that the Yankee Señor at Third's (then with the Rangers) urine wasn't only rich in that post-asparagus smell, but also in testosterone and Anabolic Steroids.

With the aid of the juice, Rodriguez was able to knock 47 dingers into the stands and capture the leagues MVPee while playing for the lowly Rangers in 2003. A-Rod's own juice wasn't the only thing tainted by his use of gym candy. His potential to piss all over Barry Bonds legacy by inevitably breaking the career home run mark once held by the pristinely prodigious Hank Aaron, has been somewhat dashed. If he one day breaks the record, questions about the validity of his stats will linger like those final drops in the pee stream before we shake them into the bowl.

Que sera sera.

Oh, The Places I Go: Holiday Cocktail Lounge

2009-02-06T21:49:00.000-08:00

Tonight Tweet Pee wandered into the Holiday Cocktail Lounge for a few brews. Unfortunately the Men's room was out of order, so the Ladies area was the only option on the docket.
While I was a little hesitant to be seen wandering into an area designated for the opposite sex, everything worked out just fine. The ladies room was not only perfectly adaptable to the needs of the unfairer sex, but it was also much cleaner than most mens rooms in bars of this caliber, which is to say total dives. Even though it was mostly men lined up to partake in the provided facilities, it seems as though the cleanliness intimidated most of the male clientele into treating the lavatory as though it were an institution of the holy...proving once again that cleanliness is next to godliness.

Fridays Favorite Things: Fountains

2009-02-06T08:02:00.000-08:00

A babbling brook, a flowing stream, a cd of nature sounds. Sure they all make us think of the act of urination, but visually they don't always whet our appetite for expulsion, which was coincidentally a rejected Guns 'n' Roses album title.

There are only a few things set our flow aflood and get our bladder a burstin'. Imagine for a moment you're touring through Roman ruins and haven't had a sip of water for hours. You're as parched as a nomad roaming the Kalahari. All of the sudden you hear a sound like a loosened faucet or a raging river breaking on through a busted dam.

You know there's no natural bodies of water around you, but up ahead you spy a likeness of Cupid or Artemis with arrow in hand and mouth agape. From that mouth you see water spouting...and while your pipes should certainly be empty, they seem to scrape up what little moisture you have, making you believe that you could just use a trip to the water closet before you should venture any further. That thing that has most likely inspired your urge to splurge is none other than one of Friday's Favorite things...a fountain.

Oh, The Places I Go:Music Hall of Williamsburg

2009-02-05T22:31:00.000-08:00

Hello readers, it was a special night out for Tweet Pee as I ventured out to the hipster haven of Williamsburg, Brooklyn, New York City to catch a very special concert at the Music Hall of Williamsburg. While I was there I went to the bathroom twice. One time I used the urinal while the other time I employed the stall. During my time in the latter I spied a bit of graffitti surrounding me. I took the time to document it just for you. I hope you enjoy. Goodnight, and I hope you had a pleasant pee-vening.

Urine The News...Barry Bonds!

2009-02-05T11:17:00.000-08:00

Hey, guess what Barry Bonds?!?!?! Urine the news! Or more specifically, your pee is the news! With the seal being broken on Federal records gathered by investigators in their September 2003 raid on the BALCO compound, there is now further evidence that the super-priggish slugger was all juiced up for years spent socking balls over fences. Did we mention he also hit a lot of home runs while he was on the roids during that span of time? Zing!

Anyway, the not-so-shocking news comes from the non-revelation that a test of Bonds' urine sample stored in 2003 tested positive for a banned substance. In the words of Bob Seger from the Beverly Hills Cop 2 Soundtrack, "Takedown...Shakedown...You're busted."

Oh, and we missed the opportunity to call him a former Pittsburgh Pee-rate. So there's always that. A friendly reminder that Tweet Pee is always searching for the obvious lowest common denominator joke.

Pee-lice Blotter: Urine Love. Urine Trouble. Urine Florida

2009-02-04T13:27:00.000-08:00

Tweet Pee only tends to think of Urine as a good thing, but once in awhile a story comes out that includes the proliferation of pee for heinous purposes.

Yesterday, a man in Bradenton, Florida doused his dear girlfriend in a cup of his own sunshine hued fluid, before pelting her with a dozen eggs and threatening to set her on fire. Not entirely sure how flammable of a concoction he had unleashed, the man also squirted charcoal lighter fluid, but that was probably diluted by the several gallons of water he tacked on, making the burning piece of paper he threatened her with all the less of an issue. As a result of the attack, James E. Farrel (notice there is no Dr. before his name) was arrested on charges of felony, aggravated domestic assault and misdemeanor battery. Hopefully, someone throws the book at this guy and he'll be left to awkwardly pee in front of a cell mate for some time.

Did we mention all of this happened in Manatee county? Seriously, who doesn't love Manatees. Here's a photo of one.

3 Pee No-Nos

2009-02-04T08:05:00.000-08:00

I like to pee. I think that's been established, but there are three things about peeing that really gets my anger flowing. I like to call them the 3 Pee No-Nos.

So without further ado, here they are:

1. Splashback- There's nothing worse than letting loose in a urinal only to have some of your liquid waste splash back and hit your skin. It makes you feel dirty in a bad way.

2. Peeing into other people's pee- I hate when other people leave their pee in the bowl as if not flushing it will save water. I'm going to flush your pee before I pee into it, because the thought of getting splashed back with a mixture of more than my own pee is horrifying.

3. Peeing on the seat- If you're going to pee, you must agree; it's best to do so with the seat up. If your aim is so bad that you cannot conduct your business in the middle of the bowl there's no harm in admitting your inability to hit the bullseye. It's not like anyone's watching you or you need to get one right in the middle. No one expects you to be Phil "The Power" Taylor. To make your pee complete, just lift up that seat.

TweetPSA Tuesday: Tweet Kitty Tips

2009-02-03T08:03:00.000-08:00

TweetKitty Says:
Meow! Remember to always put the seat down after you pee. This ensures that your friends won't fall in. Well, most of your friends.

That's One To Grow On!

Urine (You're In) The Movies: Dirty Work

2009-02-02T09:46:00.000-08:00

Super Bowl MVPee

2009-02-01T20:29:00.000-08:00

Picking tonight's MVPee was a really tough choice for us. On one hand we wanted give it to ourselves for going twice and racking up just over one minute in elapsed time streaming into the very super bowl pictured here.

In the end we wound up going with the league and awarding the prestigious MVPee award to Pittsburgh Steelers Wideout Santonio Holmes, who happened to haul in 9 catches for 131 yards, including that dynamite reception in the corner of the end zone to take the urinal cake.

In addition to holding onto the ball at a crucial moment, the word is Santonio "held it in" all game. For that we salute him. Here's to you Santonio and a wonderful season. If we had a trophy it would probably look like a urinal. We doubt it would look very nice next to your other newest addition, so our words will just have to serve as a suitable reward.

Congratulations Pittsburgh Steelers, you are the World Champions!

Tweet Pee's Big Game Tips: Super Bowl Sunday

2009-02-01T11:27:00.000-08:00

Remember, if you're going to be eating wings and draining your wang over the bowl, you should definitely wash your hands before doing the latter. Hot sauce on sensitive skin can often be a recipe for disaster. You don't want to have to suddenly leave during the fourth quarter of a tight game due to a burning sensation that doesn't involve wanting to see the Cardinals win their first Super Bowl.

Alright, enjoy the game and check in later for our official MVPee.
P.S. You can do whatever you want with Bleu Cheese, we don't really care.

Oh, The Places I Go: Postmark Cafe

2009-01-31T17:07:00.000-08:00

Saddled with the need for both business and pleasure, I wandered into a wonderful low-key coffee shop in Park Slope called the Postmark Cafe. The bathroom where I conducted said business not only housed a bouncing baby blue commode, but a similarly colored shower. This may have come in handy if shampooing was a normal post bladder emptying activity. Alas, it is not and so I did not utilize this extra feature. It might have been odd had I left the bathroom, and re-entered the main area of the coffee shop in a towel anyway.

Oh, The Places I Go: Bar On A

2009-01-31T08:39:00.000-08:00

Last night I, Tweet Pee, enjoyed happy hour drinks at the creatively named Bar On A in the East Village of Manhattan. While I was certainly happy to imbibe drinks at this wonderful establishment, what made me even gladder was the chance to expel the resultant fluids in this relatively clean and cozy bathroom-type area.

Favorite Things Friday: Asparagus

2009-01-30T07:26:00.000-08:00

It's Friday, Tweet Pee's favorite day of the week. In accordance with this cause for celebration, today brings the inception of Favorite Things Friday. Every Friday from here on out, Tweet Pee will declare one of his favorite things. It's sort of like that annual Oprah episode without all of the audience freebies. So what kind of things will be included in these weekly installments? Raindrops on roses? Whiskers on kittens? Sure those things are great, but neither of them make me think of pee. So what's on the menu this Friday? Sorry, I didn't mean to use the word menu in association with urination, but it just seemed to fit for today's pick...ASPARAGUS!

We sure love this veggie slathered and grilled in butter and seasoned to taste, but it's the sulphury smell of our output afterwards that really gets our juices a'flowin. Yes, thank god it's Friday and then thank him/her for Asparagus.

Oh, The Places I Go: Date Night Edition: Los Pollitos II

2009-01-29T21:36:00.000-08:00

Tonight was Date Night for Tweet Pee and while I didn't get to put my P in someone's V, I did get to take a pee in this choice W.C. (that's for all my international pee-ps).

Pee News- File Under: Too Close For Comfort

2009-01-29T13:03:00.000-08:00

Behold, a new urinal that holds your junk while you do your business. The royal we would rather it didn't.

Tweet Pee's Stream of Consciousness: Eric Clapton

2009-01-29T08:31:00.000-08:00

My sentiments exactly.

Oh, The Places I Go: Santos Party House

2009-01-28T08:41:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I let my flow go four times in two different places. Three of those incidents took place in my own toilet, but in the evening I had the pleasure of peeing at Santos Party House, the hot Manhattan club owned by Rock superstar Andrew W.K.. I was there to take in a rock show by the burgeoning Brooklynites in Mahogany. The show kicked ass and so did the urinals.

This is what the facilities looked like.

I'm Peeing!

2009-01-26T15:57:00.001-08:00

Hey Everyone,
My name is Tweet Pee. I like to blog, but I also like to pee. It's a conflict of interest, I know. Anyway, I wanted to welcome you to my new blog. It's about all the peeing I'll be doing this year and thereafter. I'm not into any sort of perverted form of peeing, I just like to pee in a toilet bowl or a urinal. Maybe one day you'll read my blog and tell me about all of the times you pee. I don't want to hear about any of the poop though. That is gross. Anyway, check me out on twitter at Tweet Pee. I'll be talking all about my peeing there too.